Secrets, Solace, Solitude

2011-06-13T22:22:00.002+08:00

My 1-5-9th post.

And this is going to be my one final post.

How fitting, that they sound eerily alike.

It has been long since I came here with my woes, bringing along with me my shovel.

Burying them deep inside someplace where they will be safe. Deep inside myself.

Though some things are better left unsaid, sometimes a burden is really lifted of your shoulders when you decide to take a step to confide in someone you trust. Of course then, who can we or I really trust?

I am not too sure myself.

Besides, it is just not a male's nature to share our problems with other people, be they male or female. I am not trying to be chauvinistic here, but 'problem-sharing' diminishes the male's self esteem and they will be viewed by other members as 'weak' since they are unable to solve their own problems. Today's modern society sings a different tune though, as confiding in our partners is now deemed as a sign of trust.

To be honest, I have always thought of myself as half-martian, half-venusian. I tend to hide in my 'cave' when I encounter problems, preferring to take them on on my own instead of relying on others to help me solve my problem. Yet at times, I wish for a shoulder to lean on, someone to lead me out of the darkness, someone who can understand and shares my pain.

Perhaps it will do me good to embrace the ways the males and females have been doing to solve their problems since the beginning of civilization. There will be times when I will refute the assistance of others, proving to myself and them that I have the capability to succeed. And when all else fails, I should seek the help of others so I can improve myself along the way.

I guess there isn't any shame when we ask others for help right?

Easier said than done. Especially for me.

I guess I do care about how others look at me.

I care about what others say about me.

I care about how I present myself in others.

To put it in a very crude way,

If I gave less of a fuck to this,

I am sure life would be so much happier to me.

But the thing is, I can't not give a fuck to what is happening around me and more importantly, to me.

Reason being: Knowingly or unknowingly, we love ourselves.

When something bad happens, we find reasons to make ourselves feel better.

We find ways to protect ourselves against vile creatures, even if it means lying through your teeth, or coming up with some insane, out-of-this-world excuses.

Sigh. I think I have deviated far from what I had intended to post.

I shall leave it hanging here. Let the childlike imagination take us to where we want to be.

This blog started on a happy note. And I shall leave it with one too.

Stay happy and blessed, for you know you deserve it.

It pains much not to be with your loved ones, it pains more not to see them loved.

Good luck and goodbye.

PS: Weithankyouleh.blogspot.com will be deleted w.e.f. 18th June 2011.

2011-05-06T07:53:00.002+08:00

Haven't came here in a long long while. Have been consumed by work, and having faced the computer at work for 1/3 of the day, I am not really inclined to face the one at home. ALTHOUGH most of the time I am spending my time at work reading comments of citizens regarding the General Elections.

So I figured might as well write in something before I start work! (Well, it's not really work, but yeah)

2 nights ago, as I was attempting to fall asleep.
I found myself reminiscing about the past again. 18 months ago, to be exact.
To the time you made me a sandwich.
To the time I was late for the sunrise.
To the time I attended my first concert.
So on and so forth.

I just couldn't help myself. I wondered what set me off on those memories.
They just came to me, all of a sudden, without warning of their impending arrival.
No tears were shed though. Which I guess is a good thing now.
Which I guess I have grown.
Perhaps a little stronger, perhaps a little tougher.
And perhaps a little less trustful.
This is just a tradeoff I guess.
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.
Just like a game in Mahjong.
You can have a beautiful set of tiles, but if you don't win, it's useless.
I had a beautiful set of tiles but yes, you guessed it. I didn't win.
Not that I treat relationships like a game, this was just an anology.

But still, I am still thankful for the (I guess I can say) perfect 10 months.
No doubt the best/happiest period of my life. So far at least.

A Song For You:

La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
I like your smile
I like your vibe
I like your style
But that’s not why I love you

And I, I like the way
You’re such a star
But that’s not why I love you

Hey
Do you feel, do you feel me?
Do you feel what I feel, too?
Do you need, do you need me?
Do you need me?

[chorus]
You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
I like the way you misbehave
When we get wasted
But that’s not why I love you
And how you keep your cool
When I am complicated
But that’s not why I love you

Hey
Do you feel, do you feel me?
Do you feel what I feel, too?
Do you need, do you need me?
Do you need me?

[chorus]
You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
And I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

Yeah – Oh.Oh.
Even though we didn’t make it through
I am always here for you
You

Hey
Do you feel, do you feel me?
Do you feel what I feel, too?
Do you need, do you need me?
Do you need me?

[chorus]
You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

La la
La la la la (oh oh)
La la
La la la la (That’s why I love you)
La la
La la la la (oh oh)
La la
La la la la (That’s why I love you)

Avril Lavigne - I Love You

2011-04-11T08:02:00.002+08:00

Whoever said that life is a bed of roses probably slept on just the petals, with the scent engulfing his senses, lulling him/her into numbity (a state of numbness? numbity?! Lol.) Apparently my bed of roses comes with all the thorns, sticking out of all the most uncomfortable of places. It's hard to find somewhere where I can take a short nap, just to give myself some time away from what has been bugging me this past few months. Relentless, unforgiving, punishing even. I can't imagine when university woes come visiting, will I be able to cope with the stress and pressures that comes along? I am already having difficulties in a seemingly simple life now. Just a mere 3 months away. I do not mind troubles, as long as they are solvable. Well, I am blessed with tricky ones, where a wrong turn will mean I have to take a much longer problem soving route. And what is worse is that there is no turning back. Rah.

2011-03-29T15:06:00.001+08:00

Congratulations little one. Now you can concentrate on fulfilling your dream. Things that are meant to be will mean to be. Good luck to you! and hopefully to me as well.

2011-03-14T12:08:00.002+08:00

Hello my good old friend, haven't seen you for quite some time eh?
Really didn't have much time to sit down and have a nice chat with you.

Well, today I am taking time out from lunch to do an entry before I collapse.
So many thoughts running through my mind these few days. No matter how early or hard I try to get myself to sleep, I end up tossing and turning through the night more than I stay asleep. And to think I used to fall asleepw once I hit the bed just a few months back.

It isn't because I am not tired. I am physically drained! I have been exercising whenever I can, playing my guts out on sundays and not to mention work in Pasir Ris!! How can I not be drained? But someone these thoughts apparently are more important than the rest which my body craves so much. I can't imagine how my university life will be like. Today standing in the train and looking at the scenery as it rushes pass me, i can't help but wonder what has happened to me.

The pass few months have been unreal. Almost as if someone or something else is living in my skin. Sometimes I don't understand the things which I do or say and regret it almost immediately. I told a girl I like her without knowing her (thankfully nothing materialised), I am more anti-social than ever, I don't initiate conversations and the list goes on forever. I am sick of myself. Tired of life. *sigh*

I think I am sinking into depression. I hope the vacation will clear things up. Let me look at things in a clearer perspective. I want to go back to my true self. One that had humility but that bit of self-confidence. One that his friends enjoy being with because he is someone that brings smiles to their faces. Someone they can look to for advice. Someone that they know will help when they are in times of need. Someone they can trust.

Perhaps that's what missing in my life. Trust. Somehow I feel that the people around me can't trust or believe that I can accomplish something that they have entrusted me to do. My mum, brother, friends, soccer team. Rarely will someone appreciate what I have done. It's not as if I didn't try. I did. But if i didn't meet your expectations that you have of me, then sorry because ultimately I tried. I guess I should keep things simple. Do to others what you wish others to do to you. I am learning to trust all over again. I WANT TO TRUST TOO.

A summary of my life so far: Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

(Chorus)
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

(Chorus)
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beatin
gIn the pain (In the pain) there's the healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I would, would be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

Chorus

And one song that has been keeping me sane. For now.

Secondhand Serenade - You and I

I'm feeling distracted
And likewise attracted
To all the things that you let me know
All the things that you can't let go

You're waiting for friction
This empty addiction
Is forcing me to intervene
Let's break out of this scene

(chorus)
know I'm not alone
I'm not the only one who is broken
And I know I'll never let you go
I could watch the world pass by
Just as long as it's you and I
You and I

I watch you take over
I'll give you this offer
Take my hand and we will run away
Leave behind our past to stay
Decaying till its rotten
We'll have long forgotten
The memories that will haunt your heart
Let's tear this town apart

I know I'm not alone
I'm not the only one who is broken
And I know I'll never let you go
I could watch the world pass by
Just as long as it's you and I
You and I

We watched the world go by (But if it's you and I)
Then we will never die (No we can never die)
We watch the world go by
But if it's you and I
Then we will never die
I know I'm not alone
I'm not the only one who is broken
And I know I'll never let you go
I could watch the world pass by
Just as long as it's you and I
You and I

2011-02-20T14:05:00.002+08:00

There are so many things that one can hope for. And yet only that much one can get.

Sometimes, just no matter how hard you try, getting what you want just drifts further and further.

Memories I hold in some sacrosanct place somewhere in me. Should I bring them along in the journey of life? Or should they be left behind? Like footprints on the beach, waiting to be washed away, only to be replaced by new, different ones.

*slap slap*

I need a job.

2011-02-17T14:09:00.003+08:00

What a waste of my time.

I jumped right into the first advertisement I saw in the newspapers and I never knew how murky the waters were. Sales, sales and sales were all it mattered to me.

I wanted to see how persuasive I could be in getting others to enjoy the benefits of a product.

Ended up, all they cared about was making money out of over-priced, yet-to-be-proven products.

And to top it off, earning off others. LEVERAGE, so they claimed.

"You leverage off their efforts while they leverage off your knowledge and skills"

What a load of bull-crap. If it was so sustainable, why is the market constantly condemned?

And they had the cheek to show the video, where it said that true leverage = a situation where everybody has the same benefits to share? I really do not see the link between hard work and knowledge.

Stop trying to bring people and retain people in your pathetic organisation.

And stop pressurizing innocent youths with the prospect of making big bucks. If the products are really doing so well, why bother to advertise to the families and friends of the 'downlines' rather than set up shop at somewhere where there is high human traffic?

Rah.

I feel so much better. I should have heeded advice earlier.

Wasted freaking $248. Rah.

2011-02-09T20:56:00.002+08:00

Finally. My Operationally-Ready-Date is in sight. But as it looms closer, the problems seem to mount and mount and now it seems as if it's in jeopardy.

I can only pray my hardest that I can leave scot-free from camp on friday without any hitches and phonecalls from all the irritating blood-suckers back in camp. Of course, I will be leaving with a heavy heart. Leaving behind the people whom I have passed the past year with. The busy times, unrelentless courses, playful trainees, and definitely the office humor.

I have definitely enjoyed my time there though initially it was rather scary to be posted there alone. I have learnt many things from my superiors and even those under me.

And one of the most important things is that: You do not command respect; You earn it.

And the way to earn it is not by edging others aside in order to pursue your goal. But by helping others achieve theirs as you try to achieve yours.

And that the end result is not always the most important thing. Sometimes the learning journey is the process that leads to the end and there is where all the lessons are taught. The end is but a reward for doing the right things.

Well well, enough preaching to you Denise.

Right now I feel like going into my cave.

Everything in my life right now seems like it is spiralling out of control and heading towards a dead end.

Beacon at the end of the tunnel.

Is it freedom reaching out to me? Or Train headlights coming straight at me?

2011-01-22T14:58:00.002+08:00

Life is indeed getting more and more interesting by the second.

You really never do know what is going to happen next.
I may be typing on my notebook now, but who knows? A bird may fly in through the window and drill a hole in my head.

That's life's unpredictability for you.

Failure to plan = planning to fail.

True for most cases where you can have a 90% assurance that it is going to happen.

Sadly, life falls in that 10% where nothing is confirmed.

You never know when a heart is going to be broken, nor do you know when your next windfall is coming.

Perhaps the only thing you can be sure of is that nothing is sure.

Ouch. How tough to live in a world where you know not what to expect.

2011-01-10T21:26:00.002+08:00

My 150th post and 1st post of the new year.

What a year 2010 has been.

Not many ups, but plenty downs. Perhaps the new year has something better in store for me?

I am sure hoping so. One just can't too many hits when lying down. Sometimes, you really just wish for someone to extend a helping hand to pull you up, hold you by the hand, and guide you along, or maybe just to accompany you.

2011 marks a special year for all the 1990 babies, simply because we will be achieving the 'sacred' age of 21. (Not so fun to be a December baby because you have to wait really long) Someone people will look at you differently when you say you are 21 as compared to when you say you are 20. (at least that is what I feel) It seems that people mature especially quick from age 20 to 21 and at 21 you are expected to be a full-fledged adult, with wings that can take you far and high as you chase your dreams. People expect you to be able to think of the consequences of your actions and you will be judged for the very decision you make. Your movements are scrutinized, decisions deliberated, words considered.

It sure is a far cry from how people have always been treating us.

But I guess that is what is needed in order for us to face the world.

In the eyes of a 20-year-old, the world is all about fun, love, and games.

In the eyes of any other person, the world is a cut-throat society where a human being is being sacrificed for the benefit of another, where betrayal is the staple diet and lies the common topic of conversation.

The world will never be more ironic than this.

Oh my, I am thinking too much.

Let me think about this only when I reach 21 then. Then I will be more equipped to deal with the demons of the world.

Meanwhile, let me just enjoy the sunshine, the greenery, the love and fun of a 20-year old world.

2010-12-29T21:05:00.002+08:00

Can't believe that actually ran through my mind!

I must have been really really crazy to even have that thought reside in my head for a minute.

Sore. Sore. Sore.

Thats what I've been all these while. This 14 months.

At least things are finally looking up?

I sure hope so, at least I will be walking out of my own shadows.

To perhaps a more colourful place. A warmer place. A lovelier scenery.

Add to myself a huge dose of reality too. I really need that to keep myself from thinking too much about things that will never ever happen.

Anyways, Merry Christmas Denise!

Let's hope that the new year has something better in store for us! (:

2010-12-24T16:09:00.002+08:00

Why am I still feeling so hesitant?

Its like I am walking on 2 paths simultaneously and I do not know how each path will turn out.

Everything seemed so crystal clear then.

Till you showed up.

What am I supposed to do now?

I really regret it.

2010-12-16T19:49:00.002+08:00

爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会等于收回
我却还在等待着谁能出现

伤伤伤伤了几回
也曾经为爱憔悴
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈
我却还是学不会狠心对谁

男人男人多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真让我不必再心疼
女人女人我答应做个好人
我答应用我一生来换你的快乐一生

*repeat all

男人男人多希望你是好人
多希望用你的真让我不必再心疼
女人女人我答应做个好人
不会再让我(你)心疼一等再等
你就是我等的那个人

男人男人
女人女人
多么希望你是对的人

男人女人 - Valen Hsu

What a simple yet beautiful song.

Just like the road to true love.

Long, winding and arduous at times.

But when you finally reach the end of it, together with that special someone when your paths meet, I guess nothing can be sweeter than holding the hands of your loved one and breaking into a slow, romantic waltz.

That is my fantasy! Breaking out into a clumsy waltz with both of us stepping on each other's foot.( a little nodame-ish) Hope that can be realised some day!

Anyway, I am really into chinese oldies now. Under a certain influence.

So, I wonder if Pigs go with Pigs, or do Pigs go with turtles?

I don't know the answer. But I sure hope I do.

2010-12-04T12:26:00.002+08:00

And so I have taken a small small step.

Things shouldn't be forced to happen, and as people always say:

Let Nature takes its course.

Things might just fall into place the less we try to interfere with the 'course of nature'.

One thing leads to another right?

Perhaps when we allow things to happen just as it was meant to be, the world will seem a better, nicer place to live in. But this is just an optimistic assumption that our lives were already written in black and white and that everything was in a way 'meant to be'. Of course, nothing is ever as simple as the way I think them to be.

Started off as sweet as can be,

Till the very end.

Reflections,

Are what we used to see,

Neither could bear to leave.

Gone now is the pain

Etched are the memories

Rest assured they remain.

Safe as they can be.

2010-11-28T13:11:00.002+08:00

Life presents different sort of dilemmas each day.

Some are sweet dilemmas while others are just nerve racking.

(Like those questions which girlfriends like to ask: who would you save if both of us dropped into the sea? ._. Till today I have no answer for that. Maybe I shall jump in and we all die together?)

But they all share a similar trait.

And that is it they all are hard choices to make.

As with any composition, essay, arguments, there are always positive and negative things regarding them. And some might overlap and others just purely contradictory.

I am facing a dilemma of my own. I do have my own reservations. But at least something is clearer to me now. I have gained a much more valuable lesson. It really feels better to let go, and its as if a fat pig is lifted from myself. Sure, the process crawled along like a turtle, but at the very least I was making some progress.

Sigh. Choices choices. Life is all about making choices eh?

2010-11-14T21:56:00.002+08:00

I guess it sort of feels nice to be chauffeured around.

It's indescribable, though I wish that I am the chauffeur instead!

Developed a passion for driving ever since I put my hands on the steering wheel 4 months ago!

That is besides the point of why I am here in the first place.

I think I am disillusioned, being in the deepest rut of my 20 years.

Nothing seems to be going fully according to plan and my superstitious nature is telling me and letting me know that my luck is running out. Fast.

Things seemed to have taken a drastic change a few months back. I am not sure what started this rot but I am sure not enjoying this prolonged period of drought. If only I could just turn the hands of clock just a little back. Or maybe even more if I can.

Wishful thinking. Again.

I guess the adage: The Leopard Never Changes Its Spots holds true.

We know excessive, incoherent thinking causes us much heartache, yet somehow we indulge ourselves completely in it, preparing to face the consequences, rather than give up unnecessary thinking altogether. However, this is easier said than done. For the harder we try not to think about it, chances are the deeper we will go into details.

Past memories, good times, bad times. All of these will slowly seep into the mind once again, allowing you to relive the joy first, followed by pain. Once bitten twice shy? I beg to differ, for I am guilty as well.

Guilty (of love) in the first degree.

As charged.

Hereby sentenced to a lifetime of memories.

2010-11-10T20:23:00.002+08:00

There is something lacking now.

Sorely lacking.

I can't neither say what it is that I am lacking, and neither can I show it to others.

I am not brave enough to search it, preferring instead for it to come to me.

Maybe the time isn't ripe yet.

All I know that is now, I am unhappy for reasons I am unclear.

Mad for reasons which I am unclear of.

Pissed for reasons I am unsure of.

I dread home.

I dread solidarity.

I dread being how I am feeling now.

I need my M soon.

I need something new in my life. To give me some more meaning.

2010-10-31T09:28:00.001+08:00

You are right.

Maybe it's time..

Nope. Not Maybe.

It's time....

2010-10-30T13:00:00.004+08:00

Roller-coaster, mind-boggling thoughts and emotions.

What I think may not be what I perceive, and what I perceive may not be what I think it is.

And as I suspected all this time, some things just remain the same.

Some mannerisms, some feelings, some actions.

Cruelly or not. And I still hold a torch for her.

And similarly, some secrets should remain as they are.

Never, ever to be revealed.

2010-10-25T16:16:00.002+08:00

Hey Denise,

Apologise for not visiting anytime sooner. Desktop had a problem and now I had to resort to using my notebook until my desktop gets fixed!

Had a really weird dream last night. Everything looked so surreal, as if it was part of my life. Yet, no matter how real it seemed, that scene somehow can never be true. At least that is what I believe. After all, things have become so much more complicated now.

Though it concerns me alot, somehow I do not play a huge role in this decision-making that will make changes to my life. Sounds funny huh? How can i not be in control of my own life, fate, destiny? Absurd as it sounds, it is the whole truth. In fact, i feel like a puppet, with strings pulling at my limbs, mind, heart. People telling me what to do and how I should feel, people ordering me around and while I pretty much think otherwise, it does me more harm to act in my own way rather than compromise with others.

Such is my cowardly nature. Afraid to reject. Afraid to voice myself.
To be honest and in no way am I praising myself, I very much prefer making myself feel bad than making others feel bad. But not because I am a 'nice guy', but because I am a coward.

Maybe I shouldn't ask for anything much more, because I simply don't deserve better.

Sigh. Life gives us so much promise, but most of it empty.

2010-10-06T16:14:00.002+08:00

Denise,
Someday I hope I can serenade to you these songs.
Just someday.

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy
She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
I'd never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I'll say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Bruno Mars - Just the way you are

All I hear is raindrops falling on the rooftop
Oh baby, tell me why’d you have to go
‘Cause this pain I feel it won’t go away
And today I’m officially missin’ you

I thought that from this heartache, I could escape
But I’ve fronted long enough to know
There ain’t no way
And today I’m officially missing you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially...

All I do is lay around, 2 years full of tears
From looking at your face on the wall
Just a week ago you were my baby
Now I don’t even know you at all, I don’t know you at all

Well, I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say, baby, safe to say
that I-I’m officially missin’ you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially

Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see there’s something I just can’t do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can’t find a way to let go of you

Ooh...can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do, hey, baby
Said it stays on my mind
And I-I’m officially...

It’s official
Hoo, you know that I’m missin’ you, yeah, yes
All I hear is raindrops, oh, yeah
And I-I’m officially missin’ you

Tamia - Officially Missing You

Alternatively, you can sure JayessLee serenading to you!
They are really awesome! :)

2010-09-27T14:30:00.002+08:00

Denise,

Ever wonder what life have in stores for us?
Ever wonder what life is all about and what meaning there is?

What is living? I doubt anyone can give me an answer without first thinking it through.
Yet, when it comes to death, which is essentially the end of living, everyone seems to have a certain fear. Myself included.
And so, how can we be afraid of things which we know exists but yet cant clearly define its boundaries?

Or are we just afraid that we do not know what comes next? Whether is there afterlife?

I, for one, have no idea what I am going to do with my life.
I found and lost reasons to make the most in life. In those times, there seemed to be a purpose.
But when there is no clear purpose, where life seems to be a repetitive pattern, how should we go about living it?

That, I have no answer to.
Just to allay any fears, I am not contemplating ending my life prematurely. At least not yet.
Haven't watched my first R21 film!

Oh well, some questions are not meant to be answered in 20 years I guess. Some just not meant to be answered.

Just like some promises are just not meant to be kept.

2010-09-07T20:38:00.002+08:00

Denise,

What happens when 2 people leave their supposed 'haven'? Do they still live in the same world? It seems that the world is slowly splitting apart. A connect-less world. Or more accurately, a less connected world. And to contradict myself, some things happen because some other thing happened before that and because some other thing happened earlier.

Is that not connection?
Come to think of it. When we link all these connections, a picture comes to mind. Though this picture may not actually depict the truth. But still, as long as it's logical, there is no reason not to believe.

And hence there is no reason for me not to believe what I formed.

And still, I have no idea why cracks are still forming beneath the surface when it should have been burning inside.

Soft? Gullible?

I know not myself.

All I know is, our worlds differ.

S Club 7 - Never Had A Dream Come True

2010-08-22T22:38:00.002+08:00

Hey denise,

Haven't chatted with you in quite some time right? Actually I wasn't really quite in the mood the past couple of weeks. Seems to have so many things happening and my emotions are pretty much all over the place.

I seem to get irritated so much more easily now.
I get pissed off for small things.
I get angry at things which I used to be fine with.
Something's wrong with me but I am not too sure how to rectify it?

Lately, I have just been hearing this one song.
Just over and over again.
Like a drug that has been injected right into the vein.
With it's lyrics coursing through my blood, it's melody humming ever so clearly in my mind.
Reminding me of what have been and could have been.

Life is so fragile.
So many things that we cannot comprehend and understand.
For that matter,
perhaps not everything needs to be understood.
Just known.
Know that it happens.
Know that it exists.
But as to how it came about in the first place?

No one really cares about it right?
No one cares how much you really studied when you fail a test.
No one knows how hard you really tried when something you are in charge of goes wrong.

What they do know is that you did something wrong and they are quick in knowing this.
But not as quick in forgiving. Or forgetting.

*laughs*
Forgetting. What a bummer.

2010-08-12T22:51:00.002+08:00

Denise Denise,

Sigh sigh. I really am out of sorts these few days, everything seems to be in a blur.
Either everything is moving too fast or perhaps it is just me that is left behind.
What do people truly truly want?

Maybe I should narrow the scope.

What do I really want?

I don't think you can tell me. When I am as clueless as you.
Days just go pass without me doing anything constructive. Nothing useful, nothing helpful.
If I wasn't in camp, I would be at home playing my game. playing the same characters.
My colleagues cajoled with each other over mugs of beer/alcohol and all I will do is to sip my ice-water/green tea and trying real hard to mingle when my mind is obviously somewhere else.
I think I seem anti-social to them.
I probably can count the number of 'friends' I still keep in contact with with my 2 hands. And I wouldn't even use all my fingers.
Well, I can't even hold a conversation long enough to eat a cherry tomato.

I am awfully sorry Denise, for using you as a sponge to soak up all my grievances.

Maybe I will catch an earlier night. While listening to When Y're Gone by Bryan Adams. How apt.

2010-08-02T22:35:00.004+08:00

Hey Denise,

Am not feeling well of late. Seems like another onset of illness is coming! *sigh*

Anyway, I read M-chan's blog and surprisingly it felt good. At least the jealousy isn't that strong anymore. Maybe I am finally letting things go. Though I am not likely to find myself a mate so sooon. Haha.
Deep deep in the wells of my mind/heart, somewhere inside is still praying for an unlikely miracle.
A forbidden territory.

Was watching this MTV show someday back.

"Please Forgive Me" by Bryan Adams.

Still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss, it’s gettin’ better baby
No one can better this...
Still holdin’ on, you’re still the one
First time our eyes met, same feelin’ I get
Only feels much stronger, wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on...

*chorus*
So if you’re feelin’ lonely don’t
You’re the only one I ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should
Please forgive me, I know not what I do...
Please forgive me, I can’t stop lovin’ you
Don’t deny me this pain I’m going through...
Please forgive me if I need ya like I do
Oh believe me every word I say is true...
Please forgive me, I cant stop lovin' you

Still feels like our best times are together..
Feels like the first touch, still gettin’ closer baby
Can’t get close enough...
Still holdin’ on, still number one
I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you, yeah!
I remember the nights ya know I still do...

*chorus*

One thing I’m sure of is the way we make love
And one thing I depend on is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I’m prayin’
That’s why I’m sayin’
Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me if I need ya like I do

Babe, Believe me
Every word i say is true
Please forgive me if I can't stop loving you
No, believe me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you.

Can't stop loving you...

Heh.. Possibly feeling a little like this right now.
Well Denise, just like that forbidden territory in my heart/mind,
I think I am treading into forbidden territory myself.

2010-07-31T13:37:00.002+08:00

Went to bed with a funny, random thought last night.
How nice If I can have a female companion to call my best friend. Without falling in love, that is.
And so racking my brains as I tried to fall asleep listening to 罗志祥's 好朋友.
I came up with what I thought was the best idea!

Naming my blog such that IT becomes a SHE!
And SHE, is called Denise! Lol. A random female name which I just happen to like. :D

And so, everything from now on, will be said to Denise, and hopefully I will speak only the truth to her. Yup. Only the truth.

Let me begin my first "conversation" with Denise.

Dear Denise,

Went out with M-chan yesterday and though I wished that our relationship were different from the one we had yesterday, I still enjoyed the night thoroughly. As much as I still wanted to hold her hands, as much as I wish to whisper sweet-nothings to her, I know that those days were over. Long long over. Best Friends is what is keeping us "together".

Just the other night, I was just telling Y2

"To be honest, I can't forget"

To which she replied

"To be honest, I think you should"

And I know I should. But it was hard to find someone who I felt truly liked me for who I am. Despite the way I look, the way I talk which I know is not very pleasant at times. And the most important of all is that she seemed to understand me and that is not what many people can. Maybe the only other person whom I think understand me is my very own brother.

But perhaps last night changed me a little. I don't have to forget it all right? I mean, it was only at the end that was bitter, but the journey was sweet as sure. Like Sugared Lotus Seeds. Those are worth remembering right? What's more AT LEAST I had the fortune to have known someone who understands me. Whoever said that past lovers can't be friends was saying some bull-crap.

And last night was enough proof that we are still good, if not the best of friends. Purely platonic relationship. And it surprises me that I was as happy as I was in the past. And I really am.

40947409680427746377.

I do really mean it.
Because she really does deserve it.

No matter what,
I thank her for all she has given me, for all she has done for me.
and her best gift to me,
would be just a smile planted on her face. A true one no doubt.

I wish you can answer me this Denise, don't snails look like eggplant?!

像两首节拍不同的歌却又
同时被爱情合奏旋律勉强着
愉快不能够假装快乐你心中
有宽阔的天空但空气好稀薄

曾经以为等待会改变
什么你总会属于我
但是最后时间证明了你只喜欢我

你说我比较像你的好朋
友只是不小心拥抱着
你道歉你难过于是我给你笑容
谁在乎我的心还会不会寂寞

如果爱情是五线谱我曾希望用全音符
吟唱出爱上你那完整的幸福
但你的心没有耳朵即使我为你唱着歌
你也只看见我哭了

你说过我是你最好的朋
友却不应该再拥抱着
你退缩你冷漠于是我放开双手
不在乎我的心会永远的寂寞

2010-07-25T22:35:00.002+08:00

Ah.
I am totally bushed this weekend.
Soccer, late nights, soccer again.

But did I have fun. Haven't went out in quite a while and everything seemed to have changed.
On the outlook at least.

Somethings just remain as they are, even when the sands of time are flowing ever so smoothly.
And are they flowing fast as well.

Countdown 2 more weeks and then its the start of the EPL again!
Only this time I don't have Mio TV. T.T

Oh well. I just have to live with it. Or rather, without it.
Another thing in life that we just have to deal with it. Even when it's not exactly what you want.

Oh well.
I think I need a break for I am blabbering too much.
And I think I sleep-talk. o.0

2010-07-22T01:27:00.000+08:00

I am just another person.

Let me fade, Let me fade.

Let me fade.

*Vanish*

2010-07-13T01:17:00.002+08:00

A thousand lies doesn't hurt as much as a broken promise.

A broken promise doesn't hurt as much as a broken heart.

A broken heart will just never be the same again.

I thought I was ready,

but no, my ship wasn't steady.

Maybe I should take my time,

to get my bearings back in line.

Poetic huh? Lol.

I can't remember what I wanted to say.
Maybe I am better off not remembering it.

Random: Gacky is really gorgeous. Desktop wallpaper! and so is Erica Toda! <3 <3

2010-07-05T13:35:00.001+08:00

I thought........

Shattered, still.

2010-07-04T22:08:00.002+08:00

Nooooooooo! The month of June is over.

Supposedly my lucky month!

And now my luck seems to be going a little downhill.

Like the Chinese saying goes: Feng Shui Lun Liu Zhuan.
Or when translated, Wind Water keeps turning, from one place to another and then back again.

And Germany won again.
No doubt they are a good, young team that can only be better.
But they beat my beloved England.
I will be rooting for Spain! GO SPAIN!

Come to think about it. My passion for soccer started AFTER I wasn't selected for my Primary School basketball team. Lol.

And then, it has always been soccer since. Not that I was particularly good at it, in fact I play with 2 left feet. I was, at best, the best among the worst.

And I can remember the first team I supported was Manchester United and that was because they had DAVID BECKHAM. LOL. Yeah, he was like the GOD at that time to me.

And then it was when I started liking England because it had DAVID BECKHAM in it.

Oh well, I might have to wait for another 2 years before England wins a major championship.

But meanwhile. I shall switch to a temporary allegiance with the Spainiards!

And I do want to win a small bet. :D

2010-06-28T23:49:00.002+08:00

This is seriously one of the best shows I have watched so far: She's out of my League.

And it has got me laughing like I've never done in a good few months.

And it's given guys like me hope. And people all around.

Not just that true love does exist.

But also, the issue of self-esteem that is all-so prevalent in our society.

The babe I saw at AMK. (Lol.)

The guy that I see in the mirror. Day in day out we compare ourselves with the next person that walks into the MRT, the next person that steps into class, the next person that we see on the street.

And then we ask ourselves that inevitable question: Why is he/she so much better than me?
Why am I so imperfect?

Not that it really does matter. I daresay: NOBODY'S PERFECT.
Not even that all-so-pretty-handsome-guy-girl who tops the class every semester.

Its not a question of: " I am not good enough for them"
Neither is it: "They are not good enough for me" because this would constitute Narcissism.
But really, its a question of: Are you good enough for yourself?

Wendell: Why don't you just admit that I was never good enough for you?
"Tina Jordan": Wendell! You were plenty good enough for me.

"You were just never good enough for you."

Isn't this what we have all been facing?
Pardon the pun.

But let's face it.
We were always good enough for ourselves.
And if you don't think so, you need to start feeling it.
Because really, YOU are the best that YOU can be.
There is no other YOU out there.

Simply put, everyone of us is special.
Simply because, there is only one Me.

2010-06-20T21:57:00.003+08:00

Tired and all of sorts.

A headache that doesn't seem to go away.

A fever that seems imminent.

No appetite. Haven't ate anything since 11am?

Blah.

I need some more sleep.

Anyway, Happy Father's Day. (:

2010-06-15T20:30:00.002+08:00

My workload is piling higher and higher and so are my personal troubles.

Somehow, somewhere within me is still hidden in the darkness.

And it has been noticed by my colleagues. And I want to tell them its not work related but they will just keep probing and this is not what I want as well.

And so, I am stuck in limbo. As if floating in space, unable to control my movements.

I don't wish to be so 'burnt'.
So negative, so to speak.

My smile is never like before.
My laughter forced and dry, almost as if I am afraid to laugh out loud.
And I don't see the same me through my own brown/black eyes.
I don't talk as much crap as before.
And I don't find things as funny before.

Sigh sigh.

I am like back to the post-JC-start-of-army phase.
Where I no longer enjoy the things I used to like.
Where everything seems so serious and there is no room for error.
Where everything you do is being scrutinised.

And I hate this pressure.
And knowing myself, I will never talk to anyone about this.
And knowing myself, I will only just keep passing this pain to others.

I want to share my problems.
But I am afraid of adding on to other's.
I want consolation, a pat on the back, encouragement to keep me going.
But I am afraid to tell. Even to my closest buds.

I am highly introverted.

Sigh sigh.
I wonder how long I can hold out on my own.....

What is such?
Such is life.
So... what is life?

2010-06-06T22:00:00.002+08:00

Has been a long long while!
And don't I feel especially bushed.

Haven't been sleeping well of late, and even if I do it isn't anything more than 4 hours.
I think I needa long long vacation.
And start living a little more normally.
Lol.

I just figured something out.
I can still continue living like that only that I have to change the way I see things and the way I think about that.
It sounds simple and I am hopeful it is that simple.
I don't really want to forget everything. No No No.
It's a once in a lifetime thing.
And it was a really happy time. Only that the ending wasn't ideal for me.

Ah. Too much.
Trim down!

Anyways, it's time to walk out of my shell.
Life ain't worth brooding over.
And what made me think of this? Unbelievably childish things I use to do.

*quarrel quarrel*

Me: *blah blah blah* Full stop. I win.
Friend: I start new paragraph. Full stop. End of Story. I win.
Me: I write sequel. I win. :D

Woohoo! And I actually got a kick out of it when I triumphed! (No bras. Please)
And yeah.

Plain as that.
Simple as that.
And that is just what I shall plan to do.

Random: I love driving. But I hate it when my instructor grabs the steering wheel for fear that I will crash his car. AND HE KEEPS STEPPING ON THE BRAKES. Maybe if I am pissed I will give him the ride of his life.

And how about a random quote to end off a random post?

The only plastic surgery we need to make is to put a smile across our faces.
And its true.

2010-05-31T22:49:00.002+08:00

I have been feeling out of sorts lately. And the rut just seems to get deeper and deeper.

The harder I try to crawl, the deeper I fall back in. Just like digging my own grave.

Honestly, I do not know how to get out of my current predicament.

Clawing just makes my fingertips bleed.
Trying to jump out of it is just like trying to fulfill a fantasy. You know it's impossible, but you still go ahead and try.
Waiting for aid is all I can do.
But, just how long can I wait? Do I just resign myself to fate? Isn't there ANYTHING I can do at all?

I have been asking myself this for far too long a time. And I haven't come up with a concrete enough answer to satisfactorily convince myself.

Things can't be taken at face-value I say.
So many layers. Covers. Skins.

I hate the truth.
But I hate lies as well.
Someone once told me, a broken promise is nothing but a lie.
But it's so much more than that. So so so much more.

White lies. Are still lies aren't they?
Lie or not to lie?
Is being honest really the best option available?

I am torn in between. and on the inside.
And again, I can't seem to make a decision.
And I question myself again.
The endless streams of answerless questions.

Thump Thump Thump.

My head hurts so much.
I think I am thinking too much.

2010-05-30T00:14:00.002+08:00

He said: I didn't cherish it before. So it doesn't belongs to me.

(To someone who picked up his 'sacred' book on interior design)

Vice versa?

Oh well. I shall just leave it as it is.

I found out some more new things about myself.

1. I have a new-found passion for driving.

2. It isn't awkward to eat alone at a restaurant (fast-food included)

Actually thats about it. I need to amuse myself badly.
To start thinking about things that need to be thought and forget about things that should be forgotten.

Come to think about it. Heartless is not heart-less.
Oh well. I shall leave this as it is as well.

And my f-foot hurts like mad after I accidently kicked a concrete kerb.
The skin is flapping. -.-

2010-05-26T23:35:00.000+08:00

RRRROAAARRRRRRRRRRR.

I need to regain some sanity.

Some senses.

(*^*&&^$%%$#%$@#^$*^%*&

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

2010-05-24T19:59:00.001+08:00

sick.

down and almost certainly out.

sigh sigh.

2010-05-23T22:13:00.000+08:00

於可以在今天划上句点
一整夜翻阅过去画面
快想不起我们为何会诀别
只看到那双你送的鞋
走一步又一步我才发现绕了个圈
走了好几年又回到原点
你送的礼物会不会太特别
毫不避讳那不安的传言
但渐行渐远习惯到没感觉
难道你早想要我走远
你送的礼物在此刻好体贴
陪我回忆把过往走一遍
穿了这些年难免会有污点
就像每段爱总会有终点
世上最残酷的恐怕是时间
困住人一切却还向前
乾涸的眼再挤不出一点咸
爱到如此可悲的境界
走一步又一步却跟不上你的脚步
你满意了为什麼我却只想要哭
你说做自己吧我们都做回自己哦~
不要再为爱受委屈
你送的礼物原来是一场劫
终於分别宿命一样准确
可笑到想要你赔给我时间
爱情有时廉价得可怜
光著脚我一路奔跑鲜血泪水一路狂飙
收起我的骄傲承认曾经备受煎熬
鞋上那记号只有你能明了
过了这一夜我就全忘掉

刘力扬 - 礼物

2010-05-22T15:33:00.001+08:00

Let me vanish.

Let me disappear.

Let me reloacate.

To a place, far far away.

Where pain simply doesn't exist. :)

2010-05-16T18:30:00.004+08:00

Haven't visited you in a long time dear friend.

Have not been as free as I would like to.
Only when I am doing weekend duties like now I guess.

1. Jay's new album is released! Some of them are rather nice, still a compilation of raps and ballads, and they are still as nice as before.

2. A very very random thought came to mind: I actually wished I had a younger sister after watching 'Home Run'

3. The rain is thwarting my plans to have a quick run before grabbing some dinner.

4. I feel like I am faling apart again.

5. I think my social circle is disappearing. Other than my mum, brother, camp mates, relatives, haven't really seen anyone else of late. Well, about one month of so I think.

6. Or maybe I am disappearing from their circles.

7. I want to be able to think of nothing some day, and just witnessing a meteor shower (inspired by Lisa Simpson)

8. The number of months.

9. Without a life of troubles, we won't be able to know what how much it means to lead a peaceful life eh?

10. Superman that can't fly (超人不会飞). Spiderman being unable to climb walls and shoot webs (Spiderman 2). Mahjong queen who can't self-make (Mahjong master 2: self-make queen)
Life without an aim.

11. I am laughing at my own translation. How I really am qutie silly sometimes.

12. Silly. Gullible. Trusting. Soft. They just mean the same thing don't they?

13. Cracks beneath the surface. What you see on the outside is usually not what it represents on the inside. We humans are master of disguises.

14. We were taught to speak the Truth to avoid committing a moral sin. Only to realise the pain that comes along with Truth is so much harder to shoulder.

15. Ame. Yuki. Ice. Somethings are just not the same.

To end things of, a song from Jay's new album: 跨时代

说了再见

天亮了　雨下了　你走了
清楚了　我爱的　遗失了
落叶飘在湖面上睡着了
想要放　放不掉　泪在飘
你看看　你看看　不到
我假装过去不重要　却发现自己办不到
说了再见　才发现再也见不到
我不能就这样失去你的微笑
口红待在桌脚　而你我找不到
若角色对调你说好不好
说了再见　才发现再也见不到
能不能就这样忍着痛泪不掉
说好陪我到老　又狠往哪里走
再次拥抱一分一秒都好

天亮了　雨下了　你走了
清楚了　我爱的　遗失了
落叶飘在湖面上睡着了
想要放　放不掉　泪在飘
你看看　你看看　不到
我假装过去不重要　却发现自己办不到
说了再见　才发现再也见不到
我不能就这样失去你的微笑
口红待在桌脚　而你我找不到
若角色对调你说好不好

你的笑　你的好　
脑海里　一直在绕
我的手忘不了　你手的温度
心碎了一地　捡不回从前的心跳　
伤心过去我无力逃跑
说再见　才发现再也见不到
能不能就这样忍着痛泪不掉
说好陪我到老　又狠往哪里走
再次拥抱一分一秒都好

2010-05-08T23:15:00.002+08:00

I kinda learnt more things today.

That the route to self-destruction is believing that you are good.

It leaves you feeling complacent and uninterested in improving.

And that was how I had behaved all these while.

Believing I was good.

I just am not.

But I refused to admit it all long. A matter of pride, I guess.

Pride, no matter how much you have it, is as worthless as a fallen leaf.

Silent, insignificant.

Time to abandon it.

But do I have it?

2010-05-03T22:59:00.000+08:00

Release.

It's probably the only way to move forward.

Finished 'My Sister's keeper'

I guess I am a little like the mother.

Not looking at the big picture.

Pushing for the impossible. Going against Adidas's 'Impossible is nothing'. (lol)

But it's not always what I want.

It's also about what others want.

Sensitivity. I lack them.

Observability. If there is ever such a word.

I need them.

Better person.

I definitely need to be one.

Kawaii-kun no more. I shall be pure. Pure like snow. Yuki-kun?

2010-04-30T16:31:00.001+08:00

Too dreammy.

Too surreal.

Too farfetched.

Too impossible.

2010-04-18T16:16:00.003+08:00

Just finished watching One Litre Of tears.

ALMOST had me tearing.

When Aya had to leave her high school for the special school.

She really is an inspiration.

One who is full of optimism despite her numerous difficulties.
One who doesn't give hard.
One who appreciates what she has been given, although it wasn't much and fair to begin with.
Living each and every passing day as if it was her last.
Cherishing each and every person as if she would see them for the last time.
Sincere, true, unassuming, positive.

I am all full of praise for her will to live on, no matter what.

Maybe next time before you think of giving up, think of Ayu.

Nothing is ever too hard.

Life is worth cherishing.

Maybe I should start being more observant of the things around me.

2010-04-16T20:45:00.002+08:00

Life isn't that bad.

And neither does it sucks so much.

Life becomes so much better,

when we stop feeling sorry for ourselves.

and when we start appreciating and cherishing the simple things in our life.

Looks like,

a beginning doesn't mean there will be an end.

maybe,

there will be no end.

2010-04-11T21:23:00.002+08:00

Just read mIdorI-chan's blog.

The square thing with many words just tugged at me.

And no, it didn't reach out the from the computer screen and grabbed me. In case anyone is silly enough to interpret it that way.

Okay. Fine. I am.

Don't we always say one thing and do the opposite?
Say things we don't mean just to make the other person feel good?
Say things we don't actually plan to do but just saying it for the sake of feeling good?
Saying 'Never mind' when in actual fact you do mind?

Sometimes we just say some things, just to have some premature closure because we are tired of some thing.
Make that person happy and shut up and I'll have some peace to myself.

Only that the happiness given is fleeting and the peace just turns to a thunderstorm.

Why doesn't everyone say what they mean?

Why say 'Okay' when you are not?
Why say 'Alright' when it's not?

Where has the truth gone to?

Is honesty that under-rated?

Sigh. Even I am guilty as well.
How can I expect the others to fare differently?

The only reason why everyone, of most of us at least, don't say what they don't mean is because they don't want people to think they are

Selfish
Unfriendly
Proud
Etc
Etc
Etc

Maybe I should try. Saying what I mean. Saying what I feel.
I can't be blamed for speaking my heart eh?

2010-04-06T23:41:00.002+08:00

RAH RAH RAH!

I AM FEELING SO LOUSY.

LIKE EVERYTHING I DO CAN'T SEEM TO GO WELL.

I NEED A CHANGE OF LUCK.

Oh well, Life's like that isn't it?

Sometimes you go high up into the sky, and other times you just bury yourself deep into the ground.

I am currently 6 feet under.
Err, make that 7.

Heard something interesting though:

Auntie: Cannot eat your food too fast. Will grow fat easier.

IF ONLY she told me earlier. Maybe I would be much slimmer. Sigh.

I have duty tomorrow.
And I forgot to bring my camp pass home.

I have a screaming desire.
Screaming desire to go up to a certain 18th floor.
Or somewhere high enough.
And secluded (lonely) enough
to shed some tears.
while at the same time,
screaming into the distance F***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then just have a seat
and some deep breaths
and maybe some low-alcohol content alcohol
Or Pokka Green Tea
staring at the starry sky,
falling into a deep and dreamless sleep.
And upon waking up,
I need not return to camp.
Wandering as carefree as a carefree person
as my body lay on the ground, ready to be sent for post-mortem.

Oh dear, too far-fetched.
Let's just end at the second last line.
I have no wish to die. Yet.

SHIT SHIT SHIT.
I FEEL LIKE ONE. :(

2010-04-05T22:10:00.002+08:00

OH OH! I have officially ended 2 decades of life on Earth!

God, time does fly! It didn't seem too long ago that I was in secondary school, having the greatest time of my life. Countless fun and laughter. Seemingly free from anymore troubles.

I am 20 now. Just 7 years have passed since secondary school instead of still enjoying the fun and laughter, I have become a serious bore whose only topic of conversation revolves around the army. Not exactly having the greatest time of my life either. Things change rather quickly eh?

Miss the times when I can speak to teachers as if they were friends. Not to say I didn't respect them. I do hold them in high regard. Gone are the days I will make countless lame jokes about anything and everything. I lost the humour in me too. In their place, I speak to my superiors in camp with the fear that saying the wrong thing will get me into trouble. Fearing that saying stupid things which I meant as jokes would lead to others thinking that I am really stupid.

You realise somethings? Things which I thought were cute and funny in the past(talking crap) now seem immature. I have lived the former for 19 years. It took only 11 months for me to change my personality. Not that I wanted to anyway.

So, who is to say old habits die hard? I am evidence that old habits die easy.

Much of it has to do with how I think people will look at me. I think. I wanted people to think of me as funny in the past. I still want people to think that way, but not in a childish funny. Confused? I am.
Do you know that JLWQ?

Okay. Shan't say too many moody things.
It's my birthday today!
I am happy!
Because I know you will send me a msg.
Actually I had quite a busy day today.
Too many things if I were to blog them out one by one.
And so I am not going to do that.
So let me end with,

Happy birthday Darrel aka K-Kun aka Sotong aka Fat Boy aka Uncle T.T aka thankyouleh.
LOL.

Song of MY day!

Love Song - Five for Fighting

2010-03-30T22:19:00.002+08:00

The past 2 days have been particularly fruitful and exciting.

Not to mention the fact that I have been just a little less busy as a bee.

1. Finally been to the famed Old Airport Road Food Centre and over there I ate one of the best-est Hokkien Mee I ever eaten in my life. So far.

2. And it was over there that I realised that Mocha Soymilk is SO WONDERFUL. The bitterness of the coffee perfectly complements the sweetness of the soymilk! The first gulp instantly made me fall in love with it.

3. Became Emcee for the soon-to-be graduating class of NSman Medical Officers. Msg Jensen said that my voice is a little dead. LOL. No one has ever told me that before.

4. Went to celebrate Nic's and Wh's birthday today. Gave them a treat at Swensens' and they got complimentary birthday ice creams! I settled for a Banana Crumble for dessert. Somehow, Apple crumble tasted so much better. Needless to say, I sacrificed my waistline by putting on a few inches. >.<

5. Guys do gossip. More so than some girls, if I dare say. I enjoy a good dose of gossip myself. Haha!

6. My good friend doesn't know when my birthday is. :(

7. Anyone to help me fill up my lucky 7? Speaking of which, this Wednesday I am going to buy 4D on the Swensens' receipt! LOL!

Life just gets more interesting sometimes, isn't it?

Just waiting to see what more comes up next!

Random song of the day:

Because you loved me - Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all
(CHORUS)
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cos you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith you give it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you
(CHORUS)
You were always there for me
The tender wing that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You're been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you
(CHORUS)x 2
I'm everything I am
Because you love me

2010-03-29T01:37:00.000+08:00

:{ :{ :{ :{ :{ :{ :{ :{ :{ :{ :{ :{

Itchy hands.

2010-03-24T19:18:00.000+08:00

I am kind of liking he life at SMTI.

My upperstudy is funny.
The Pc is funny.
The Enciks are funny.
The specialists are funny.
And the rest of the staff are funny too.

Though they are all a little lustful. haha!

But still, they have put me very at ease and have welcomed me into their family.
No ranks, no airs, no formalities.
Just like a family.

I am looking forward to this next phase in my short army career.
No doubt there will be changes eventually, but things are generally going to remain status quo.
As a family.

I have lost my complete family.
And it's nice to gain one outside.
Not to mention that I can see my own family every evening.
Things are falling into place, piece by piece after everything was once shattered.

Something random.

I seem to be plagued by surveyors time and time again.
And these surveyors are extremely interested in giving me new insurance policies.

'You never know what may happen in the future'

I can't disagree.
I failed to see many things which could have happened.
I didn't believe it would happen to me.

Maybe I just took things for granted.
Life isn't meant to be perfect.
That I learnt.

But it doesn't mean that life has to be painful.
That I learnt too.

Living life to the fullest doesn't mean that you led a happy life.
It just meant that you fulfilled many things which others couldn't do so in the same lifetime.

A happy life.
Simple to say, but hard to achieve.
But that's all I want.

2010-03-19T20:59:00.001+08:00

林峰&泳儿 - 明天以后

泳:在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了天晴朗了我就走
林: 你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留
还来不及对你说
迟到的我的心动
泳:你的好你的坏
林: 我的脾气你最懂
泳:我不要你来心疼我（
林: 我不要你离开我）
合:明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟
泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林: 因为有你给我
勇气给我用不完的运气
林: 其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你
伤心（林: 我不怕会伤心）
合: 对不起我对你
再好再亲密都不能在一起
林: 最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一
（林: 我并不是你的唯一）
合: 还微笑祝福你
林: 你拯救我的寂寞我的痛我的梦
在你的面前我不必保留
泳:我从来没对你说
压抑的我的心动
林: 我的好我的
坏我的脾气你最懂
泳:我不要你来心疼我
合:明天的以后我们会懂
失恋的挫折让人变更成熟
泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林: 因为有你给我
勇气给我用不完的运气
林: 其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你
伤心（林: 我不怕会伤心）
合: 对不起我对你
再好再亲密都不能在一起
林: 最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一
（林: 我并不是你的唯一）
合: 还微笑祝福你
泳:爱情总让人折磨
林: 所以我们才选择
合: 做比情人更好的朋友
泳:我对你感觉胜过爱情
林: 因为有你给我
勇气给我用不完的运气
林: 其实也想好好爱你
泳:只怕到最后不小心让你
伤心（林: 我不怕会伤心）
合: 对不起我对你
再好再亲密都不能在一起
林: 最后看你在别人怀里
泳:有天我会找到我的唯一
（林: 我并不是你的唯一）
合: 还微笑祝福你

Another fabulous, heart-rending love song.

2010-03-14T15:04:00.003+08:00

6 more days!!

And I will be visiting my new camp soon enough which is not too far from my house!

Hopefully that will be my posting and let's see how life carries on from there.

Realised I have been wallowing in mud all this while and maybe it really is time to head to the showers, and have a clean slate.

It won't be easy but it certainly won't be impossible. I hope.

It has been hard getting the optimism back into myself. Feeling more at ease, more like my usual self these past few days.

Somethings have changed, while others remained status quo.

Intersections, diversions, I guess they are all part of life, something which we can't control but definitely something we must accept. I am still learning, still trying.

I can see many smiles.
Laughter.
Silly, innocence laughters.
No holds barred, just letting it free.
Celebrating the start of a new journey, marking the end of the previous arduous one.

I am looking forward to it.

The future. Doesn't seem so bleak after all.

Work hard when you have to.
The satisfaction is indescribable.

The wine glass theory is true. :)

2010-03-09T17:39:00.000+08:00

你做了选择对的错的
我只能承认心是痛的
怀疑你舍得我被伤的那么深
就放声哭了何必再强忍
我没有选择我不再完整
原来最后的吻如此冰冷
你只能默认我要被割舍
眼看着你走了
如果这不是结局如果我还爱你
如果我愿相信你就是唯一
如果你听到这里如果你依然放弃
那这就是爱情我难以抗拒
如果这就是爱情本来就不公平
你不需要讲理我可以离去
如果我成全了你如果我能祝福你
那不是我看清是我证明我爱你
灰色的天空无法猜透
多余的眼泪无法挽留
什么都牵动感觉真的好脆弱
被呵护的人原来不是我
我不要你走我不想放手
却又不能够奢求同情的温柔
你可以自由我愿意承受
把昨天留给我
如果这不是结局如果我还爱你
如果我愿相信你就是唯一
如果你听到这里如果你依然放弃
那这就是爱情我难以抗拒
如果这就是爱情本来就不公平
你不需要讲理我可以离去
如果我成全了你如果我能祝福你
那不是我看清是我证明我爱你
如果这就是爱情本来就不公平
你不需要讲理我可以离去
如果我成全了你如果我能祝福你
那不是我看清是我证明我爱你

张靓颖 - 如果这就是爱情

What a song.

2010-03-08T07:06:00.002+08:00

My centurion post! :) :)

It's supposed to be a nice occasion, but somehow,

Something's wrong with me.

I think I am not feeling as how I should be feeling. But isn't this how it has been for the past few months?

It's close to 180 days I guess. A long 180 days.
My countdown started at 177 days and looking back, I see I have been through quite a bit. Heartbreak, blood, sweat, tears and whatnot.

It has taken a toll and me and it still is. Being stubborn doesn't help in the first place. At all.

We all have this stubborn streak within us. I think mine is dominating.

First that, then this, then that, and now this again.

*clink clink clink* Opps. Careless me. Or was it me?

It will never be the same. Or is it still the same but with a pinch of caution added to, and a portion of rashness taken away from it?

But caution devalues it's meaning. And rashness is what makes it so beautiful, so special, so...... exciting? Captivating?

Okay. I shall leave the rest of my thoughts to myself.
In face, I feel like closing this blog to myself.
My space where I can rant anything and everything without other's knowing.
I won't affect others and others can continue looking at my facade.

Shall see about that.

On a lighter note, 12 more days! And my sword in 4 more days! :)
Time for a little fencing practice. xD

Lastly, songs for the week!

习惯就好 - 罗志祥
抱歉 - 李圣杰
原谅我没有说 - 李圣杰
I still like emo-ish songs. :)

2010-03-02T06:07:00.002+08:00

I can't stop myself.

It would be unfair. In a way.

But still, I can't stop myself.

In any case, love is a risk. No doubt it can send you to the heights of heaven, but keep in mind the depths of hell is not far away.

I've been through it. The polarity of happiness and despair is not as far apart as imagined to be. Yet, we are all still willing to take the risk. This itself, is evidence of optimism.

A belief that things will go right.

Someway, somehow.

You may be hurt.

Once, twice.

But nothing will stop you from trying again and again. Perhaps even giving second chances.

Mutual. I think that's what it's all about.
But it will never be enough.
Sometimes, logic will still overrule feelings.

Best is to, leave it to nature.
Let it run on it's own course.
Fate, I would like to put it.

Randoms:

1. Joint-term! Lectures, excursions and rehearsals. The boredom at lectures is killing me. I can imagine Uni-students' pain.

2. 3 more weeks. :D

3. I find myself falling. Good or bad?

4. I think I am in a good mood recently.

5. Imagination. It's a wonderful thing.

6. Fantasizing is over-zealous imagination. LOL.

7. There really is nothing much to worry about! :)

Yay. 7 points. xD

Song of the day!
If your heart's not in it - Westlife

2010-02-24T12:03:00.002+08:00

I just found out today that I have forgotten (nearly) HOW TO SWIM!!
I can't even trap water for goodness sake, not to mention a near case of drowning.

And so, I am going to have a new New Year resolution which to go go swimming once a week! :D

AND HOPEFULLY, it makes me leaner as well. And a little more tan, so people know my surname is Tan. HAHA. Okay. Not funny. ^^

3 birds with one stone.

Anyway, I have always wondered why we always spent time making other people happy at the expense of our own.

We,
forgo our own plans when a friend suddenly wishes to go out with you.
tend to do what our partners wishes to do to make them happy.
swallow our pride when we get ticked off unneccesarily.
accept decisions that we do not agree with.

So many instances in our daily life, so many evidence.

So, people aren't exactly very selfish are they?

Not exactly true, since everyone still wants the best for themselves eventually.

Lol. Contradictory? Partly.

Oh well, life's a mess isn't it?
At least mine is for now.

Rectify. Rectify. Rectify.
Only problem is the time that I have and need.
I am not sure if there is enough.

Anyway, song of the day!
Never had a dream come true - S Club 7

2010-02-23T00:01:00.002+08:00

Lol. Can't believe that I am actually blogging at this time and in camp!

Oh well, suddenly felt guilty at not blogging when I was at home for this extended weekend so now here I am in the wee hours of the night.

1. Played Mahjong with the dudes. Like FINALLY. Even though I had to take a $20 cab ride, and eventually lost $30. Still, it was great fun playing through the night and laughing my head off along the way.

2. Day by day, life seems to be getting a little better. Only thing seems to be that sometimes I REALLY am luckless.

3. I can't seem to hail any cabs. Or they just refuse to stop for me.

4. Still confused. Unclear. Afraid. Apprehensive.

5. 4 more weeks! :)

Reading a new book now. Compilations of short stories from Neil Gaiman. Read the first short story and I am like 'WOW'. Enough to get me to finish the book.

It's really really really a good read.

Borrowed a Murakami novel too though I can't really remember the title but the prologue seems interesting enough.

Hopefully I can finish these 2 reads!! IT TOOK ALOT OF ME TO EVEN STEP INTO THE LIBRARY! LOL. xD

Anyway, song of the month:

Obviously - Mcfly

I miss everything.

2010-02-16T19:40:00.002+08:00

不明白不明白为什么我不能放的开
舍不得这个爱
你是一生一世不会了解
我明白我明白在我心中你永远存在
或许你会有一天怀念可是我已不再

陶喆 - 小镇姑娘

Back to the cycles.

I can't seem to avoid them at all.

Accept and let go? Or refuse and cling on?

I am torn in between.

Decision-making, one of my worst abilities. One that, I know, will cause me many regrets in future.

Let's take a side-road for now.
Reading a book entitled: Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

It's a little fantasy-ish, though it revolves around real people instead of just people with fancy names and it really is quite worth a read.

Has a hint of Murakami in the sense that it is different from The Regular Novel.

Can't really say it falls in the inspiring section but if there is time to be killed, this read is definitely worth it.

When you are troubled, it's always nice to have something to take your mind away from your troubles even if it's temporary.

Revisit and hopefully successfully confront those demons only when we are ready.

I hope I can do it.

2010-02-15T23:41:00.002+08:00

Pinning for things that can never happen.

Hoping for things that had a foregone conclusion.

Wishing that things sometimes did not happen.

Tired. Tired. Tired.

I need a break. But I can't get one. Or is it me who is hindering myself from getting one?

I need to find a meaning in life. Something to look forward to. Something to give me that extra motivation in life to succeed, to do better.

Found. Lost. Found. Lost. Found?

Cycles.
It's making me giddy.
Splitting headache.
Trauma.
Fear.
Facade?
Illusion?

Confused. Confused. Confused.

Past. Present. Past. Present.

Where should I head?

2010-02-14T10:51:00.002+08:00

It's the Lunar New Year already?

Somehow it doesn't feel very festive this year for me. I wonder if it really is the new year at all.

Maybe it has something to do with the 32km route march that ended on the eve of the new year. Or the fact that the time which I booked out made it feel like just another Saturday afternoon (or evening).

But still, to everyone else out there who is aware that IT IS THE NEW YEAR, HAPPY CNY!

And to those unmarried, plenty of Angpows! $.$

It totally sucks to have to do duty tomorrow, especially when every other chinese is happily celebrating the 2nd day of the new year. I feel like screaming a string of expletives into some random canal (LOL) just to make myself feel a little better. Think I am going to stuff myself with mandarin oranges tomorrow as a gentle reminder that it is the new year.

Speaking of which, I won't be able to visit my maternal relatives. And I haven't seen them since I went Taiwan. >.<

Oh well, sucks to be me.

Anyway, gotta make myself pretty. LOL.

But currently it seems impossible given this stupid haircut I just got yesterday. =.-

I think this year of the Tiger is going to be a long long year.

2010-02-10T21:59:00.002+08:00

Finally back from my final outfield exercise! Though I didn't take part in it except being the store party. LOL.

But still, no more overnight outfield exercises! :D

During this final 2 Days 1 Night exercise, (LOL, reminds me of the Japanese variety show, Youtube it if it interests you) I have realised somethings:

1. People are selfish. There will never be a person who can ever claim that he/she has not been selfish once. Even a selfish thought is considered as an act of selfishness. Whether they are born selfish or are brought up top be selfish isn't the crux, the crux is selfishness is prevalent.

2. Some things are meant to be given up. Some things are not meant to be replaced. Somethings are not meant to be given up but meant to be replaced. LOL. I am confusing myself along the way.

3. We all hate our current lives, and wish that time can turn back. And in the past, we hated that life and wished for time to pass faster.

4. Promises mean nothing if they are not wanted to be fulfilled by the Promiser.

Life is full of ironies isn't it?
We wish for time to pass fast, yet wanting to go back in time to relive the past.
We give each other promises, yet not wanting to fulfil them.
We are obviously very selfish, yet we condemn selfish acts.

Weird world we are living in huh?
Well, I guess I can never understand life, how it works, and the many different parts that make up life itself.

Somethings are just not meant to be understood.
Somethings are just not meant to be...

2010-02-07T01:42:00.002+08:00

Well, well!

I haven't been here in a while have I? Simply because my bookouts are really too short for me to blog anything meaningful or the very least worth mentioning.

This week is sort of mixed. I have 2 day weekends but I have to go back really early.
By 1730hrs. -.=

Alright. Enough of the not-so-happy things.

Met up with some of the Nanhua dudes. It's like army has separated us in a maze and only till now could we find each other. So there were WH, JL, YH, PNG, Jason, and even Valentino. Lol. Was a surprise to see him.

In any case, after dinner, we scoured for a LAN shop.

No prizes for guessing. L4D 2.
I think I understood the power of Versus games and the thrill of being an infected. Lol.

Half-enjoyed, half-emoed. But nonetheless it was all still very fun! :)

Ughh. The only bad thing today is that my Mahjong Kakis couldn't make it! I wonder how long have I not touched them already. HAHA.

Addicted.

Anyway, today is 06/02/2010, Saturday. (Technically Sunday morning but I prefer calling it Saturday Night)

6 more weeks! Have been furiously counting down the number of weeks to the Oh-So-Grand parade. Next week is a fairly busy week, with the final exercise coming up. And then the 32-km march just before booking out for Chinese New Year.

Speaking of which makes my blood boil because I FREAKING GOT GUARD DUTY. WTFF!!!

Totally spoils my mood. *rawr*

Just one last thing.
There is a SNSD craze in camp.
Lol. Apparently its a Korean girl band with lots of cute girls in it.
And my brother is part of the craze. -.-
Showed me a video on youtube, song entitled: Gee

Or something like that.

I must admit it's quite catchy. LOL.

Enjoy! ^^

2010-01-30T22:18:00.002+08:00

I realise I enjoy, or rather, can't seem to help stabbing myself.

Again and again.

Not that it gives me an adrenaline rush. Almost quite the opposite actually. It brings my spirit down but as I said, I can't seem to help myself.

Ahh. Can't wait for the next bookout. Training has kept me in for this weekend when I yearned to see my relatives and cousins and maybe even enjoy a game of late-night mahjong.

Looks like they can't be satisfied this week.

Ahhhhhh. I hate the way I am feeling now.

Fat and sad. That rhymes.

I aim to be lean and gleam (as in gleaming = happy?)

Hope. It's always in abundance.

Plus it's free.

2010-01-29T05:40:00.002+08:00

A full moon is forming.

Haha. And I am getting excited. Again. xD

Life is too rushed.

We all need a breather sometimes. Just to slow things down a little and enjoy the little things around us.

A full moon is certainly worth slowing down for. The perfect circle of light is a sight to behold.

Enjoy the moon! :)

2010-01-26T22:50:00.004+08:00

I am finally home! :D

After 3 arduous weeks, training in Taiwan has come to an end!
Though I could have wished for a longer R & R so I could explore more of Taipei, I am more than satisfied with the 3 days that was given to us.

Only regret was that I didn't try the hot spring! >.<

When I left Singapore, I had thought of leaving my problems and thoughts behind, to give myself some time of my own. Well, it appeared that my problems tagged along and there I was staring at the clear blue sky thinking again.

Sometimes, I wish I can just enjoy looking at the sky without having anything on my mind.
A little like meditation.
There is too much white noise in my head now.
And it's not helping things.

Honestly speaking, (I know you will be reading this, because only you read this space of mine, but I need to get some things off my chest) I am finding it very hard to forget.

The past. The times. The laughter. The tears.
I still hold dear the photos in my phone.
The 3 messages during the darkest period of my training.
The piece of paper you wrote to me while you were still Receptionist.

Fret not. I am not trying to rekindle the spark for I know it's lost.

Time. Borrowed time. Just watched a Hong Kong drama serial.

Girl: During these times with me, weren't you happy at all? I can change whatever you want me to change!
Guy: You can't change your character nor your background. Why hanker when you know its impossible? Just treat it as I borrowed some of your time.

Haha. Translation isn't 100% accurate but that's not the point.
Borrowed time?
It's a tough concept to understand.

Alright! I can't get my pictures to be uploaded and I am super frustrated. =.=
Grrr.......

Anyway, it didn't turn out too bad.
At the end. :)

Song of the day: Against all odds.

2010-01-05T21:34:00.002+08:00

Leaving for Taiwan soon.

Bringing my 'old' camera phone. Lol. Haven't used it in a while.

Realised there were many things inside.

I forgot a random thing just now.

I PLAYED BOWLING TODAY. LOL.

Okay. When I get back, I shall get my pals to go. :)

Alright. Time to go. :)

I am still missing you. A little too much.

2010-01-05T16:47:00.002+08:00

I really am enjoying this few days of rest.

Complete time to myself. For some self-evaluation and of course to thrash some things out within myself.

Just realised that,

I can be so much more helpful, instead of indulging in my own work. (which is usually having fun or slacking)
I can complete things much earlier if I do not procrastinate.
I have unknowingly allowed myself to undergo an undesirable change.
Growing up doesn't mean you can't be immature in some ways.
Life is too short to remain emo for long.
The reason why life presents so many obstacles is to make you stronger, and not to make you stuck at a particular point in life. For those who DO get stuck, it's only because they have given up on themselves.

Bottomline is, NEVER give up on yourself. Keep trying even though you may keep getting it wrong. Getting it wrong many times doesn't mean you failed.

You have succeeded in another way. You have succeeded in finding a way that doesn't work. So, there is a greater chance that you will get it right the next time.

I must have this ingrained into my thoughts.

I preach a lot, but seldom do I practise.

It's time for a more positive change right? :)

Haven't really had a genuine smile these few days. Or maybe even months.
I always believed the truest smiles are not shown by how wide your mouth can stretch, but rather it's in the eyes. It's a feeling, unexplainable, indescribable.

Okay. That was pretty random.

Here is some more random questions I asked myself:

1. If I weren't an accidental child (4 years younger than my brother, supposed to be 2 years), what would I have been doing now?

For one, NS would have been over. (hurray! :D)
I may be studying together with my good friend, if perhaps I had worked harder in JC.
Well, there are just too many possibilities.

2. Would I want to turn back time?

Yes and no.

3. Would I have regretted not getting into OCS?

I don't think I will. I don't thrive under pressure and leadership is not what you usually associate with me. A clerk life isn't that bad. xD

4. How do people see me as a person?

Asked my good friend this afternoon all of a sudden. LOL.
1. Joker
2. Emo sometimes
3. Good person

Agree? Disagree? You make your own call. :)

I think I am very incoherent today. Nothing I blogged seems to have a link. LOL. But that's okay. Blogging should be stress-free.

OH. I almost forgot my purpose for blogging. Hahahah. I am going to Taiwan tonight!! :D
Part excited part apprehensive. Same as per Brunei.
Excited because I can go shopping there.
Apprehensive because I may get Out-of-course there as well.
Wish me luck, and pray for me.

And 2 more things before I go.

1. Just went haircut again ( First haircut of 2010! 21321423523417 haircut since I went Army) and the Auntie kept calling me Xiao Shuai Ge. LOL. Think she just wants to lure me back. But in any case, just let me enjoy hearing that and have some self-delusion alright? xD

2. SONG OF THE WEEK!
Fireflies by Owl City

Super random, super nice.

And I think I will watch Nodame Cantabile again. LOL.

Bye bloggie, see you in 3 weeks. :)

2010-01-03T11:52:00.002+08:00

Rummaging through my belongings, drawers and cupboards for a USB cable inexplicably led me to dig up some forgotten memories.

Of which would have remained lost if I hadn't started searching for the USB cable.

Yet I have no idea of how to deal with them.

Hold them close? Or keep them at an arm's length?

Forgive I can. Forget I can't.

Life is a perfect irony for me.

Sometimes life is a little too complicated for me.

Sometimes life is a little too hard on me.

Sometimes life is a little to hard to grasp for me.

Sometimes life gives me happiness and hope and laughter.

Sometimes life just takes them all away, without rhyme or reason.

Maybe life IS full of ups and downs.

Maybe life, like the stock exchange, is a gamble with each forward step we take.

Maybe life is not meant to be understood, just enjoyed.

Maybe life will never be fair. The rich becomes richer, and the poor, poorer.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. :(

I am failing my resolutions badly.

Then again, who doesn't?

Life's like that.

Why is it always filled with regrets?

2010-01-01T01:05:00.002+08:00

This isn't goodbye,
even as I watch you leave,
this isn't goodbye
I swear I won't cry,
even as tears fill my eyes,
I swear I won't cry

Any other girl,
I'd let you walk away
Any other girl,
I'm sure I'll be okay

Tell me what makes a man
Wanna give you all his heart
Smile when you're around
And cry when you're apart
If you know what makes a man
Wanna love you the way I do
Girl you gotta let me know
So I can get over you

What makes her so right?
Is it the sound of her laugh?
That look in her eyes
When do you decide?
She is the dream that you seek
That force in your life

You apologize,
no matter who was wrong
You get on your knees,
if that would bring her home

Tell me what makes a man
Wanna give you all his heart
Smile when you're around
And cry when you're apart
If you know what makes a man
Wanna love you the way I do
Girl you gotta let me know

So that I can get over you

Other girls will come along,
they always do
But what's the point
when all I ever want is you,
tell me

Tell me what makes a man
Wanna give you all his heart
Smile when you're around
And cry when you're apart
If you know what makes a man
Wanna love you the way I do
Girl you gotta let me know

Let me know

Girl you gotta let me know

So I can get over you

What makes a man - Westlife

2009-12-31T22:20:00.002+08:00

2009 is coming to an end.

For many different reasons, its a year worth remembering yet not worth looking back on.

Too many regrets. Too many mistakes. Too many things lost.

Just this afternoon, JQ was telling me:

"Eh Darrel, this time go Taiwan don't lose any more equipment ah."

Without thought, I just replied:

"Can't help it, I am born to lose things."

As much as I wish to deny it, I can't seem to stop agreeing with what I said in that spur of the moment.
A moment of pure, untainted truth.

Throughout my schooling years, I lost countless amount of stationery.
I lost 2 loves when I believed they would last.
I lost equipement which people don't usually lose. ( I have a knack for losing the more important ones)
I lost my father. ( I often wonder what my life would be like If you were still here Daddy)
I seemed to have lost myself in the process of growing.

Had an interview with my instructor and I told him of my problems.
I told him I am suffering from a chronic lack of confidence.
Then he asked me:

"I thought last time you say you always talk-cock in class?"

I answered:

"Yeah, but somehow in the Army, it's different..."

And I couldn't continue.
I can't explain myself.

Then he told me something which I intend to put into my mind:

"The Army, or anything you go through, is not meant to change who you are. You will grow in the process but still as yourself."

Something along the lines of this.

Since Army, I haven't exactly been... me.
I no longer laugh as I used to.
I no longer crack lame and stupid jokes as I used to.
I am no longer as likeable.
I seem to care a lot about my image. (Not appearance, different thing)
For many months I have pledged to find my self, not knowing where it has seemed to recede to.
Convincing myself that someone else is occupying my body.

I would keep recalling the old days.
Hoping it would help me recapture some parts of that old spirit.
But if it had worked, I wouldn't be blogging this post now. Lol.

I also don't know when I started thinking so much about my own problems.
Ahhhh... Emo Emo Emo.

What a way to end 2009.

Oh well, let me occupy my mind with some other things.

RESOLUTIONS 2010

1. Being more cheerful! I think I lack some cheerfulness in my life.
2. Be back to my more talkative self.
3. Be more generous.
4. Go to class gatherings.
5. Smile more!
6. Be more helpful! Without second thoughts.
7. Be less angsty.

Alright! 7 resolutions. Keeping it simple is key to achieving your resolutions.
Lol.

Hopefully the new year will be a better year.
:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!

MAY ALL BE BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH AND WEALTH, EXCELLENCE IN STUDIES AND SMOOTH-SAILING IN WHATEVER THINGS YOU DO!

2009-12-27T14:42:00.002+08:00

Confidence.

Noun 1 the belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.
Noun 2 self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s abilities.

I am suffering from a chronic lack of it.
I can't seem to do anything right nowadays.
Why is it that others are able to do such a good job whereas I can't?

Isn't there anything which I can do well?

Even I have doubts over my own abilities.
How can I expect others not to?
How can I instill confidence, when I, myself, am not confident?

I am afraid of doing things wrong and getting reprimanded/punished.
I am afraid of people laughing at me.
I am afraid of shame.
I am afraid of so many things.

Why can't i just brace myself up?
Where is my courage?
Where is my self-belief?

Oh well, I just have to keep searching for them.
I don't want anymore reminders that I am not yet who I can be.
Apparently, these people have some 'future' eyes which can see me in a different light from who I see myself to be.
Let me trust them this once.
Let me see for myself whether I can be 'the one' whom people believe I can be.

First stop: Confidence and the courage to make mistakes.

2009-12-26T20:54:00.002+08:00

Another wave, another stab, another episode.

Ouch.

Can I take anymore of this?

Will my sanity remain intact?

Hopefully. Maybe. Unlikely.

Curiosity took the better of me.

I wonder what I should believe, and what I shouldn't.

Heart? Or mind?

Being me really is tough now.

Ouch.

Why did I reopen them?

Ouch.

Why did I slit myself?

Ouch. Ouch.

Why did I hurt myself? Fragile as hell.

Keep bleeding. That's my punishment, for refusal, for being stubborn, for naivety.

When will I learn?

When can I move on?

2009-12-26T11:48:00.002+08:00

Maybe it's only right.

Who am I to think/dictate what is right and what is not?

I lose many things, sometimes managing to recover them, sometimes losing them altogether.
Many of these things I never thought I would lose, thought I had them well-kept and secured.
Many of these things I didn't plan to lose.

And yet on the other hand, there are some things I want to lose but somehow I just can't seem to lose them.
Life is an irony isn't it?

Sometimes, it's easy being me.
Without a care in the world (for now at least)
Happy-go-lucky (wonder if that is used to describe me now though. At least it used to be)
Essentially, leading a simple, straight-forward life where everything seems to be falling into place.

Sometimes, at times like this, it's hell being me.
Provocative thoughts.
Needless emotional feelings.
Essentially, having many complications around you, shattering what you initially believed and where everything seems to be falling into pieces.

I like to assume and probably that is what brings me so many trouble.

Too shy to ask.
Too proud to lose.

But there are still some things that needs to remain unspoken.
I shall keep it within me.
Like a lid that can never be opened.
Like a door that closes and locks.

It doesn't really concern me right?
I am not part of it right?

Feigning ignorance.
Ignorance.
It's possibly my only/best way of escape.

But there are still so many questions ringing in my head. Why? Why? Why?
I thought....
You said....
We promised...
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

2009-12-26T01:41:00.002+08:00

Heart-wrenching.

That's all I can say.

I have no idea what I should be feeling, no idea how I should be feeling.

Clueless.
Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.
Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.
Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.
Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.

Maybe in life, there are always some things we are unable to comprehend. Sometimes, the deeper you dig, the less we understand.

Why did this happen?
How did it happen?
In our never ceasing search for answers, we overturned many stones, only to find more questions than answers, more doubts than confirmations.

And then we regret recovering these things from the past.

We try to close a chapter. Only to realise that another sequel has just began.
Some new characters, some new personalities, some new activities, but still the same old story.

It almost happened again.
Turns out there has been some self-delusion all along.

Correction. It didn't almost happen.
It happened,

Why.......?
Why can't I find the answers I need to close the lid?

Floating, drifting, swimming.
They serve to make me feel insignificant again.

I often wonder, if I died, how would my friends remember me as?
Or, would I even be remembered?
That I once walked into their lives?

Never mind. It's Boxing Day. I shouldn't be feeling like this at all.
Plus, I need some much-needed rest.

I need energy to feign ignorance.

2009-12-15T19:22:00.002+08:00

Been listening to many songs these few days..

From Canto-pop to Mando-pop to English-Pop and J-Pop and Ballads.

And I realised I quite like Ayumi! LOL.

Didn't really listen to her songs before, so it was quite a refreshing change from Mikuni.

Anyway, was telling my friend that I was listening to J-Pop and Ayumi in particular,
he remarked:

'What?! You are listening to that porn singer?'

LOL!!!! I bet YOU are cursing every expletive you know now? xD

Well, some of Ayumi's music videos are a tad suggestive so I guess you can't really blame him. but rest assured I will protect her reputation. ^^

Hmm, listening to 梁静茹's latest album 静茹&情歌别再为他流泪 and her songs really are very nice. Been listening to them ever since. xD I can listen to songs on repeat for years and not get bored. LOL.

So here goes!

我心里也有的忐忑
时间跟我说会好的
决心放好了
这一次非你不可
ohh..
若这不是爱那有过的是什么
寂寞时你像个贝壳
闭上眼你倔强地捂住双耳
背对背地坐着我们用沉默在拉扯
看谁的泪先输掉拔河
爱我时你不够严格
总忘了能够牵手多么难得
我不怕生命有挫折不怕回忆会有皱折
唯有你说要放弃我不愿附和
你心里有多少忐忑
交给我去用力抱着
双手还有热或许能唤起你的不舍
有一天我们伤的心会愈合
心里的忐忑抱着慢慢就会好的
感动都有了还有什么不认可
oh..不准我们把爱给走成了坎坷
多少恋人不费唇舌
在一起却说服彼此不适合
我懂得生命有沼泽懂得爱会失去光泽
只是在你怀里是快乐的抉择
你心里有多少忐忑交给我去用力抱着
双手还有热或许能唤起你的不舍
有一天我们伤的心会愈合
心里的忐忑抱着慢慢就会好的
感动都有了还有什么不认可
oh..不准我们把爱给走成了坎坷
我心里也有的忐忑曾经你也勇敢抱着
思念还有歌唱着我无法对你割舍
相信我们哀伤的心会愈合
心里的忐忑时间跟我说会好的
决心放好了这一次非你不可
若这不是爱那有过的是什么

梁静茹 - 用力抱着

Song 2!

如果我说爱我没有如果
错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口那爱是不是有一点弱
如果我说爱我没有如果
真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么
快牵起我的手
有人说世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死
而是我就站在你面前你却不知道我爱你
我常说如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天
如果我说爱我没有如果
错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口那爱是不是有一点弱
如果我说爱没有如果
真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么
快牵起我的手
如果如果如果如果如果
最后变如果我们不能接受
错过错过错过错过错过
我们一定能过不会一错再错
我常说如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天
别怕太快了别怕失去我
如果我说爱我没有如果
错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口那爱是不是有一点弱
如果我说爱没有如果
真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么
快牵起我的手快牵起我的手。。。

梁静茹 - 没有如果

How about an English number?

I‘ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I‘ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on
I‘ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh
I‘ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere
I‘ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if its real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

梁静茹 - Way Back Into Love

2009-12-12T01:13:00.003+08:00

Woo hoo. Got one of the earliest bookouts ever! :D

And one of the latest book ins! ^^Y

How long have I not enjoyed such luxury?

I suppose this is one of the many pains I failed to understand in the past.

I used to think that:
1. NS is a piece of cake.
2. Didn't understand why people hated NS so much.
3. C'mon! Its just 2 years!
4. Training will be just like NCC training.

How naive I am.

2 years don't pass very fast.
I hate NS myself. Given a choice, I don't think I will serve NS.
Training is nothing like NCC training.

How nice it would be if I am a girl.
I think I am a girl hidden in a boy's body.
At least that's what my instructor thinks of me.

Actually, I actually thought of the benefits of being a girl during my internship. LOL. Yes. I was extremely bored.

So lets see:
1. Girls can gossip openly whereas guys would be frowned upon if they did that.
2. Girls can hold the hands of both genders without people staring.
3. USUALLY, girls are the one that gets attention showered upon.
4. Girls receive gifts from both girls and guys.
5. I can't emphasize this enough: Girls need not serve NS.

BUT, girls are easily sexually harassed. (Think Indian man in a suggestive pose *shudders*)
I hate to type this out but it's kinda like the truth: MOST guys like only good-looking girls. (I am no exception.) So, girls have to be good-looking/pleasing to the eye.
And this will kill me.

Girls have small appetites. =.= Food is so nice, I wonder why they are being avoided like the plague.

So, come to think about it, it's not so bad being a boy yeah?
In fact, I am happy being a boy.

Ahhhh. The world is spinning too fast.
I wish we can all just take a breather and admire the things around us.
Oh well, just some random thoughts.

Happiness. It's not something to wait for, it's something to fight for. :)
But as in all fights, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.
In any case, it is worth fighting for.

2009-12-05T15:45:00.005+08:00

I AM FINALLY BACK FROM BRUNEI!!! *cheersss*

What a relief to finally step foot back into Singapore again after 3 whole weeks.

I almost wanted to strangle the instructor when he announced that there is going to be a slight delay in out return flight.

But then again, I think I was probably too shagged out to do anything about it. LOL.

So be prepared for a long long post, for this is dedicated to the whole of my overseas training!!

1.Reached Changi Airport just before midnight.

2. After getting boarding pass, no time for popeye's. Had to make do with Yakun, which was still has satisfying, though a little nostalgic. :)

3. 01:55. Took the dreaded flight to Brunei.

4. Reached Brunei airport at around 4am. All of us were lumbering around like zombies with half-asleep features. -.- <-- something like this

5. Took a 2 hour bus-ride and a 3 hour ferry-ride before finally reaching our training area in Temburong.

6. First day was awesome. Simply because it was admin day. NO TRAINING! Was introduced to all the camp instructors, all of which I give my utmost respect to, even more so than my own OCS instructors.

7. And for the next 5 days, it was truly hell even though I had enjoyed some parts of it. Infantry training began. Thats all I wanna elaborate. LOL. xD ANYWAY, I TOOK A HELICOPTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. WHAT AN EXPERIENCE. WHOA. :D

8. Preparation for JCC. There was this mad rush for equipment at the last minute and everyone was just screaming at one another. What a ruckus.

9. After 9 grueling days, I DID IT!! Being the emotionally weak me, I couldn't help but cried at the end. Oh well, I just felt this huge wave of relief sweep over me and tried as I might, I couldn't stop them from coming. I had a fruit-fest along the way, devouring 213423123124217 chempedaks, durians, rambutans and balukus. I am kinda sick of them now. xD

10. I was full of charity and donated about 10 litres of blood to the hungry and deprived mosquitoes there, who were desperate enough to bite through my uniform

11. Food, no matter of what origin, taste exceptionally well when you are starving. I think even Chee Kuey in milk will taste heavenly. xD

12. I had more cuts sustained ion 2 days and 2 nights than I ever had in my 19 years of life.

AND SO, that kinda sums up my time in Brunei! For the training phase, that is. :) :) Times there were no doubt tough, I managed to squeeze in some 'thinking time', especially when I am feeling especially bored. So, here are some random points.

Random:

1. One night, we just shared our usual banter and then someone just mentioned: 'We thought primary school was dreadful, then we hoped to quickly go to secondary school, only to find primary school less stressful. In secondary school, we found studying a chore and hoped to go to JC where there would be more freedom, only to find secondary schooling so much more fun. In JC, we hoped to go to Army so we can no longer need to study for exams, only to realise we very much prefer studying to training.' That's how people are. Failing to appreciate the simple things around them. Failing to look on the greener side. It is only when we move on, will we then look back at things at a different perspective and reflect on what COULD have been done. But by then, its all too late. All we can have is envy. As I always say, Regret is insight gained a moment too late. I have too many of them. Too much.

2. I truly truly do not understand why people overestimate my abilities. Why do people think I am smart when I am not? Why do people have high expectations of me? I fall in the 'Normal' category. I am an average person. Average looks. Average results. Average skills. Average everything. I can't stand it when people believe something I am not. I am no fast-learner. I am no smart person. I don't require this added pressure on my small shoulders..... Please drop these weight off my back.

3. It really does look greener and clearer after a rain.

4. Found myself singing Avril Lavinge's 'When you're gone' in the middle of JCC.

5. Think about what you say, and say about what you think! COOL HUH? xD

6. There are 2 ways of learning. Success and failure.

7. Reserved this part for Point No. 7. My favourite number. Memories are intriguing aren't they? At the moment you least expect it, it just suddenly forms a bubble in your mind and an image starts to form. Some things are just meant not to be forgotten. I still remember the first time we ate Popeye's. Last time we ate Ya Kun. Times we shared. Times we squabbled. Times when we chatted on the phone through the night. Many many memories. I shall admit it, I still think alot about you. I won't hide it. Only difference between now and the past, is that I don't cry thinking about them anymore. :) Anyway, I had Swensen's in Brunei. LOL! I am now a step ahead of you. xD

And to end it all of, some quotes from a fantastic read 'The 5 people you meet in Heaven'

Lesson 1: Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know - Blue Man

Lesson 2: Sacrifice. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to - Captain

Lesson 3: Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us but hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves - Ruby

Lesson 4: Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end, love doesn't - Marguerite

Lesson 5: Every seemingly insignificant act, can affect others a great deal, positively or negatively. (That's what I think its trying to convey)

Yup yup. This book is really inspiring, looking forward to 'Tuesdays with Morrie'. Heard there is a movie publication too. Muahaha. Shall go and find it.

And so, let me end with an anonymous quote:

True love can never be found at where it doesn't exist, nor can be it hidden when it truly does.

2009-11-14T21:59:00.002+08:00

Alright. I am officially leaving Singapore in a few hours time.

I really dread this feeling that I will be leaving home, not just for a few days. But 3 whole weeks.

3 weeks. 3 weeks. 3 weeks.

I wonder if I will die of homesickness there. Lol. Well, just have to hope that time passes fast, I really can't wait for this whole thing to be over.

成全　衷心祝福然後　就放手
放手　放開所有　彼此更自由
放手　其實我絕非愛得不夠
放手　豁出所有　還有這個好友
已經　已經足夠

林峰 - 爱不疚

I don't really catch what it means exactly but I think it's meaningful?
Courtesy of my brother who insisted I play this song while he sleeps.
Lol.

Alright. Don't really have much time to hang around.
Shall go prepare some stuff and get a good, long and nice bath before I go.

:( :( :(

Sigh. I am finding it hard.
Too hard to handle everything.
I should get a good sleep on the 2 hour trip.

3 weeks. Going to pass very soon right?
Reassurances from Mummy. xD

Hope it's true this time.

:) :) :)

As in the previous post, I can't change the fact that I am leaving for Brunei, but I certainly can change the attitude I am going to approach it.

ALRIGHT. BRING ON THE LIFE-CHANGING ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE!!!

:D :D :D

2009-11-13T16:14:00.002+08:00

FOR HOW LONG HAVE I NOT USED MY DESKTOP TO BLOG?!?!

Am I glad to be back home again blogging! :D

Actually, my feelings are kind of mixed now.

On one hand, I am so relieved to be home.
And on the other, I am feeling a little apprehensive about what is to come in the next 3 weeks.

Oh well. Days will eventually pass and hopefully, before I know it, I will be back here in the comfort of my own home! AND I HOPE TO COME BACK WITH A BADGE. That's my whole purpose for going Brunei, whoever will give a thought to the training package?!

Anyway, this week was truly enriching. I think I found out something about myself. And that is I am quite receptive to comments, negative or otherwise. I find myself changing, for the better I hope. I THINK I am helping out more than in the past, doing more than in the past, assuming more roles than in the past. I guess making the most of the opportunity rather than lamenting it is what I should do.

Okay. I digressed. I wanted to blog about this leadership development module which we all had to take. Psalm. THAT'S THE LECTURER'S NAME. HOW COOL IS THAT.

Digressed again. That's me. I can't get straight to the point. Back to where I was, we had to answer a simple questionaire which will then determine our explanatory style (how people explain life's events to themselves, reflect deeper beliefs and assumptions we have made about how the world operates) and our internal control index (essentially how we attribute the cause of life's events to one self)

Sounds chim?

Put it into simpler layman terms, it's a measure of optimism and how much responsibility you are willing to take.

MY RESULTS:
MILDLY OPTIMISTIC.
TENDING TOWARDS A LOW INTERNAL CONTROL

Which means, I tend to be a little positive in my thinking :D
but I tend to blame the cause of life events on something else other than myself.

It sounds quite accurate, doesn't it?

Come to think about it, I think it's pretty true. I tend to be positive in my thinking FIRST, before starting to think of the worst case scenarios and I don't like to shoulder responsibilities. As much as possible, I try to 'siam' all the troubles. xD

And then there were 2 quotes that were etched deeply into my mind.

1. You can't decide what life throws at you, but you can decide how you are going to deal with them.

How true. When faced with an obstacle, some of us crumble while others stand tall. It's how we look at things and the belief we have in ourselves. The going may be tough, and failures may be impending, but that should not be the reason to give up. In fact, when the slightest effort is made, it is no longer a failure. you found a way that did not work. That's all. Failure is when you give up without putting up a fight. :)

2. We have 2 'selfs'. One is the person we are, and the other is the person you want to be.

We often wish we are someone better, not knowing that we have our individual characteristics for a reason. Some may not be desirable, but I believe that there is at least one person who will embrace this characreristics, no matter how flawed. :)
I managed to find one, not that it matters anymore. I just have to wait for the next one to come along.

a
Okay, I think this was probably what I came here for. AHHH. I feel so much better, and so much mature. Before this post, I didn't really think through it. I think I inspired myself. LOL!!

Alright. Until next time. :):)

5 more days. And it will be a year. Since I finished 'A' levels. Haha. xD

2009-11-09T09:30:00.002+08:00

Life doesn't seem to be improving for me.

The impending Brunei trip.
The demise of someone always so nice.
And my thoughts keep reverting back down memory lane.

>.<

Well, on a positive note, it means that only my short-term memory sucks.
Or maybe I just don't remember things that I don't really give a damn about.

But that is not really the reason why I feel so lousy nowadays.
Too many things happening.
Too quick.
Too sudden.

It almost feels as if I just told my buddy yesterday that we are going to Brunei next month.
In a blink of an eye, I am leaving this weekend.

Maybe it will be a good break.
Shall see about that when it all ends.

AHHHHHH.
Stressed again.

Why is it that things won't go the way we want them to?
I used to believe in fate, that everything is predestined and there is no escape from this pre-determined route.
I thought that everyone had their own particular route to follow and that these paths will cross depending on fate.
Well, I am not sure if I subscribe to this thought anymore.
It seems like my life has too many twists and turns.
Ups and downs.
Its almost like the elevator brings me up to cloud nine, before the cable snaps and brings me back down to Earth.
It's almost as if life is playing a joke on me.

Actually life hasn't been that bad to me.
It just made a drastic turn as soon as I entered Army.
It seemed at that point in time everything changed.
I changed.

>.<

I wish time stopped at the end of J2.
I wouldn't mind not having my current allowance.
I wouldn't mind being as silly as I used to be.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Maybe I should come back only when I am happier.
I make this place feel depressing.
That is not what I want.
Not according to how I want things to go.

Can someone pass me a happiness pill?

2009-11-01T22:48:00.002+08:00

NO TIME NO TIME!!

THink I will blog more when I am back from Tekong ba.

Hopefully my house desktop will be fixed by then.

Until next time,

Everytime - A1

Lyrics I post when I am out!

P.S Happy Birthday Dad. :):)

2009-10-24T13:10:00.002+08:00

STRESSEDDDD!!! I feel like pulling out my hair and not doing anything, including going back to camp.

=.=

I have no idea what to expect tomorrow.

o.o

Knolls, hidden knolls, contour lines, ridgelines.

-.-

I just want to throw my map away.

0.o

Maybe my life.

0.0

Okay. Not that drastic.
PC said: When you go down more, means you have to come up more also.

I think I went too high up. THAT'S WHY I AM SO FREAKING DOWN NOW!!!

?!@#@!@#$!%^&

Okay. Look on the bright side!
Things may be going up from tomorrow or even today!
Maybe will have phone call saying I no need book in.

Wahahahaha.

Fat hopeeee. -.-

I wish life is like reading a book.
Entertaining, but forgettable.

But nope, not all things are forgettable,

For me, at least. :((((

2009-10-23T23:09:00.002+08:00

Been almost a week since I last came here.

Mixed feelings, mixed emotions.

Its bookout day. I am going back in tomorrow. I am feeling neither relieved nor upset.

Roller-coaster. Lol. Reminds me of my endurance runs.

Why am I feeling this way. Why can't I seem to accept things as they are.
Why am I so stubborn. Why can't I just immerse myself into the future.

The world is just full of 'why's I guess.
No one has the answer to all these questions.

Why doesn't anyone know the answers?!
Ahh.
Life is really tough and hard.
I used to think life can be really simple.

Find a true love, a stable job and a comfortable home.
Well, but things often don't go according to plan don't they?

You can plan and plan and plan your life away.
Yet some point in time, there are bound to be times where the plan is wrecked, by unforseen, sudden circumstances.

Not to say, one shouldn't plan at all!
Okay. I am being a nuisance here.
I am not even sure why I delved into this topic at all.

Ahhhh.

I am not happppppy. >.<

2009-10-17T03:28:00.002+08:00

Lol!

WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

Truth is, I think I am too lazy to create a new blog, find a new template, and that I still feel quite attached to this blog. So here I am back again. I should probably change the URL. Though I have no idea what to change to.

2 weeks have passed since the period of block leave. Nothing much has changed for me. Still wishing for everyday to pass as fast as possible and the weekends as slow as possible.

AND SOC IS NEXT WEEK. :(

I think I am still unable to pass it yet. 6 min 55 sec and there is still 600m to go! How to reach the end in 2 min 34 sec?!?! Arh. I will probably need to go for RT. Waste my time. >.< %!*@*^!*@^*

Ojay. Whatever. I shall pass someday. Maybe not now only.

Wooo. Just remembered today is Deepavali. Which explains this longer weekend which I am having.
So to all my indian mates/friends, HAPPY DEEPAVALI! Even though its Deepavali, I will not bend forward to pick things up. LOL.

I probably shouldn't say that. Its a tad disrespectful.

Shall think of something else to blog ba. Feeling the sleepiness getting to me.
Goodnight k-kun.
Sweet dreams. :)

Anyway, wonder how you are doing?
Haven't heard from you in a while.
No updates on your blog either.
Think you are having your mid terms ba.
I silently wish you a *good luck*, make that many good luckS ba.
Lol. :)

A song to hear!

我一直都想对你说
你给我想不到的快乐像绿洲给了沙漠
说你会永远陪着我
做我的根我翅膀让我飞也有回去的窝
我愿意我也可以付出一切也不会可惜
就在一起看时间流逝要记得我们相爱的方式
就是爱你爱着你有悲有喜有你平淡也有了意义
就是爱你爱着你甜蜜又安心那种感觉就是你
我一直都想对你说
你给我想不到的快乐像绿洲给了沙漠
说你会永远陪着我
做我的根我翅膀让我飞也有回去的窝
我愿意真的愿意付出所有也要保护你
Oh 在一起时间继续流逝请记得我有多么的爱你
Oh 就是爱你爱着你不弃不离不在意一路有多少风雨
就是爱你爱着你放在你手心灿烂的幸福全给你
Oh 就是爱你爱着你我都愿意
就是爱你爱着你要我们在一起

陶喆 - 就是爱你

Last but definitely not least,
tomorrow still remains a special day for me.

:) :)

*YAWN*

2009-10-09T06:17:00.002+08:00

This is the 68th post and unfortunately, the last one for this blog.

Yes. After this post, I won't be blogging here anymore. Maybe I will blog somewhere else privately, maybe I will stop blogging all together.

This blog started with a reason, and when there is no longer a reason, there is no reason to continue here right?

It took me some time to give this up. After all, this blog was special to me.
Maybe I will visit it some times, though it will evoke some memories.

In any case, I have made up my mind. Since the last few posts were all about songs, how about we end it off with a song?

I was down my dreams were wearing thin
When you’re lost where do you begin
My heart always seemed to drift from day to day
Looking for the love that never came my way
Then you smiled and I reached out to you
I could tell you were lonely too
One look then it all began for you and me
The moment that we touched I knew that there would be
Two less lonely people in the world
And it’s gonna be fine
Out of all the people in the world
I just can’t believe you’re mine
In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now there’s two less lonely people
In the world tonight
Just to think what I might have missed
Looking back how did I exist
I dreamed, still I never thought I’d come this far
But miracles come true, I know ’cause here we are
(chorus)
Tonight I fell in love with you
And all the things I never knew
Seemed to come to me somehow
Baby, love is here and now there’s
(chorus)

Air Supply - Two less lonely people in the world
Just that I am not one of them.

Its my first step back to recovery.
The wound is deep, but time can heal everything right?
Alright.
Good luck to you.
All the best. :)
Cheers to happiness.

2009-10-08T19:54:00.000+08:00

白色的风车安静的转着
真实的感觉梦境般遥远
甜甜的海水复杂的眼泪
看你傻笑着握住我的手
梦希望没有尽头我们走到这就好
因为我不想太快走完这幸福很可惜没有祝福
但爱你并不孤独不会再让你哭
我陪你走到最后能不能不要回头
你紧紧地抱住我说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由
我不懂你说什么反正不会松手
我陪你走到最后能不能别想太多
会不会手牵着手晚一点才到尽头
你说不该再相见只为了瞬间
谢谢你让我听见因为我在等待永远

周杰伦 - 白色风车

Yes. Forever is what I want.

2009-10-08T17:12:00.002+08:00

Gomenasai.

I didn't mean to hurt you in any way.

The songs, some of them are just what I wish to, but lacking the courage to do so.
And others, are just similar replicas of our situation now.

I want to ask you to stay by my side.
I want to ask you not to leave me.
I want to love you like I did. I still do, only in another way now. Like you said, 'wrong' in my eyes because I won't be the first person you turn to in future.

But I know I can't do so.
Like you said, because of the differences in our thinking, we would probably end up being unhappy in future.
Knowing how stubborn both of us are in nature, I know that no matter how much I protest, you probably wouldn't change your mind right?

So the songs are probably just one way of telling you how I feel now.
I really lack the courage to call you now.
I fear the unknown and a rejection.
I am afraid I will run out of words to say and then, the awkward silence again.

Perhaps I am doing things the wrong way, but I don't think of the consequences of my actions.
Call me rash, but once I do things, I seldom backtrack. I would just go all the way.
So I probably made you mad and unhappy unnecessarily.

Forgive me will you?

Maybe I will accept the situation now.
Maybe I can't.
I can't give you an answer for sure.
Because you know how important you are to me.
I won't stand in your way of happiness though.
Just follow your heart, that's all I can say for now.

2009-10-08T09:22:00.002+08:00

才离开没多久就开始
担心今天的你过得好不好
整个画面是你想你想的睡不着
嘴嘟嘟那可爱的模样还有在你身上香香的味道
我的快乐是你想你想的都会笑
没有你在我有多难熬 (没有你在我有多难熬多烦恼)
没有你烦我有多烦恼 (没有你烦我有多烦恼多难熬)
穿过云层我试着努力向你奔跑
爱才送到你却已在别人怀抱
就是开不了口让她知道
我一定会呵护着你也逗你笑
你对我有多重要
我后悔没让你知道
安静的听你撒娇看你睡着一直到老
就是开不了口让她知道
就是那么简单几句我办不到
整颗心悬在半空
我只能够远远看着
这些我都做得到
但那个人已经不是我

周杰伦 - 开不了口

爱像一阵风吹完它就走
这样的节奏谁都无可奈何
没有你以后我灵魂失控
黑云在降落我被它拖着走
静静悄悄默默离开陷入了危险边缘baby~
我的世界已狂风暴雨
爱情来的太快就像龙卷风离不开暴风圈来不及逃
我不能再想我不能再想我不我不我不能
爱情走的太快就像龙卷风
不能承受我已无处可躲
我不要再想我不要再想我不我不我不要再想你
爱情来的太快就像龙卷风
不知不觉你已经离开我
不知不觉我跟了这节奏
后知后觉又过了一个秋
后知后觉我该好好生活

周杰伦 - 龙卷风

只剩下钢琴陪我弹了一天
睡着的大提琴安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道你没有舍不得
你说你也会难过我不相信 (I know these 2 lines are not true)
牵着你陪着我也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你我才会逼自己离开
你要我说多难堪我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份安静得没这么快
我会学着放弃你是因为我太爱你

周杰伦 - 安静

And finally, a happier song.

一步两步三步四步望着天手牵着手
一颗两颗三颗四颗连成线看星星
一步两步三步四步望着天手牵着手
一颗两颗三颗四颗连成线看星
乘着风游荡在蓝天边
一片云掉落在我面前
捏成你的形状随风跟着我
一口一口吃掉忧愁
载着你彷佛载着阳光不管到哪里都是晴天
蝴蝶自在飞花也布满天
一朵一朵因你而香
试图让夕阳飞翔带领你我环绕大自然
迎着风开始共渡每一天
手牵手一步两步三步四步望着天
看星星一颗两颗三颗四颗连成线
背对背默默许下心愿看远方的星是否听的见
手牵手一步两步三步四步望着天
看星星一颗两颗三颗四颗连成线
背对背默默许下心愿看远方的星如果听得见
它一定实现

周杰伦 - 星晴

想笑来伪装掉下的眼泪
点点头承认自己会怕黑
我只求能借一点的时间来陪
你却连同情都不给
想哭来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界好象只有我疲惫
无所谓反正难过就敷衍走一回
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞
天灰灰会不会让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑梦违背难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁也许事与愿违
累不累睡不睡单影无人相依偎夜越黑
梦违背有谁能安慰
我的世界将被摧毁也许颓废也是另一种美

周杰伦 - 世界末日

一盏黄黄旧旧的灯时间在旁闷不吭声
寂寞下手毫无分寸不懂得轻重之分
沉默支撑跃过陌生静静看著凌晨黄昏
你的身影失去平衡慢慢下沉
黑暗已在空中盘旋该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端无法存活在真实的空间
想回到过去试著抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你看的世界想在你梦的画面
祇要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜
想回到过去试著让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知还来不来得及想回到过去
思绪不断阻挡著回忆播放盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁

周杰伦 - 回到过去

And another...

有谁能比我知道你的温柔像羽毛
秘密躺在我怀抱只有你能听得到
还有没有人知道你的微笑像拥抱
多想藏着你的好只有我看得到
站在屋顶只对风说不想被左右
本来讨厌下雨的天空直到听见有人说爱我
坐在电影院的二楼看人群走过怎么那一天的我们都默默的微笑很久
我想我是太过依赖在挂电话的刚才
坚持学单纯的小孩静静看守这份爱
知道不能太依赖怕你会把我宠坏
你的香味一直徘徊我舍不得离开

周杰伦 - 你听得到

恋爱的方式无法拿笔来抄
也没有规则可以取巧
被动的缘分很不可靠
喜欢的对象要自己挑

adapted from 周杰伦 - 她的睫毛
There are no rules in love. Much less no right or wrong.

你说我像一个小孩总爱让你猜
我说你才像个小孩总要我说才明白 (Lol. This is like more applicable to me?)
有些事太快失去了等待让爱没了期待
我们的爱怎么才自然每次沟通不来
就要离开就说不要爱
我掉进爱情悬崖跌太深爬不出来
下降的速度太快来不及踏上未来
你的爱反覆徘徊打乱我呼吸节拍
该怎么逃开我控制不来
我掉进爱情悬崖回想起你的可爱
傻傻地还在等待以为你还会回来
你的脸慢慢离开时间快将我掩埋
消失得太快我负荷不来

周杰伦 - 爱情悬崖

怎么隐藏　我的悲伤失去你的地方
你的发香　散的匆忙我已经跟不上
闭上眼睛　还能看见你离去的痕迹
在月光下　一直找寻　那想念的身影
如果说分手　是苦痛　的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱会不会有人可以明白
我会发着呆　然后忘记你接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天会有人代替让我不再想念你
我会发着呆　然后微微笑接着紧紧闭上眼
又想了一遍你温柔的脸在我忘记之前
在我忘记之前心里的眼泪
模糊了视线你已快看不见 (Will I be able to do this at all?)

周杰伦 - 轨迹

我沉默你的话也不多
我们之间少了什么不说
哎唷~微笑后表情终于有点难过 (握着你的手)
问你确定了再走
我突然释怀的笑笑声盘旋半山腰
随风在飘摇啊摇来到你的面前绕
你泪水往下的掉说会记住我的好
我也弯起了嘴角笑
你的美已经给了谁追了又追我也要不回
我了解离开树的叶属于地上的世界凋谢
断了的弦再弹一遍
我的世界你不在里面
我的指尖已经弹出茧
还是无法留你在我身边
断了的弦再怎么练我的感觉你已听不懂(你已听不见)
你的转变像断掉的线再怎么接
音都不对你的改变我能够分辨

周杰伦 - 断了的弦

翻着我们的照片想念若隐若现
去年的冬天我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸对着我说再见
来不及听见你已走得很远
也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过请再给我一个理由说你不爱我
就算是我不懂能不能原谅我请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的借口
请你回头我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果我也能够承受
我知道你的痛是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容沉默是因为包容
如果要走请你记得我
如果难过请你忘了我

周杰伦 - 借口

久未放晴的天空依旧留着你的笑容
哭过却无法掩埋歉疚
风筝在阴天搁浅想念还在等待救援
我拉着线复习你给的温柔
曝晒在一旁的寂寞笑我给不起承诺
怎么会怎么会你竟原谅了我
我只能永远读着对白
读着我对你的伤害
我原谅不了我就请你当作我已不在
我睁开双眼看着空白
忘记你对我的期待
读完了依赖我很快就离开 (Do I really want to do this?)

周杰伦 - 搁浅

And another....

琥珀色黄昏像糖在很美的远方
你的脸没有化妆我却疯狂爱上
思念跟影子在傍晚一起被拉长
我手中那张入场券陪我数羊
薄荷色草地芬芳像风没有形状
我却能够牢记你的气质跟脸庞
冷空气跟琉璃在清晨很有透明感
像我的喜欢被你看穿
摊位上一朵艳阳我悄悄出现你身旁
你慌乱的模样我微笑安静欣赏 (Haha, I remember doing this once or twice?)
我顶着大太阳只想为你撑伞
你靠在我肩膀深呼吸怕遗忘
因为捞鱼的蠢游戏我们开始交谈
多希望话题不断园游会永不打烊
气球在我手上我牵着你瞎逛有
话想对你讲你眼睛却装忙
鸡蛋糕跟你嘴角果酱我都想要尝
园游会影片在播放这个世界约好一起逛

周杰伦 - 园游会

Alright. I think this is probably enough songs for a day. Really amazing how some songs can depict what you really feel.

So I guess my 2 favourites are Jay Chou and Show Luo? Lol.

2009-10-07T21:45:00.002+08:00

EMO SONGS GALORE!

慌乱城市中　
连风都不自由热闹的街头　
就属我最寂寞是爱的蛊惑　
让我又兴起贪求的念头有多爱我　
够不够久　
会不会走藏在柔顺背后　
你忠于自我　
情爱里游走
从不曾见你低头
我却常犯错　
像一个太忙太累太傻的陀螺
转个不休　
只放不收　
停不了手
太想爱你是我压抑不了的念头想要全面占领你的喜怒哀愁你已征服了我　
却还不属于我
叫我如何不去猜测你在想什么
太想爱你是我压抑不了的折磨
能否请你不要　
不要选择闪躲
只想爱你的我　
太想爱你的我
难道只能在迷雾中猜你的轮廓

张信哲 - 太想爱你

是否对你承诺了太多　
还是我原本给的就不够你始终有千万种理由　
我一直都跟随你的感受
让你疯　让你去放纵　
以为你　有天会感动
关于流言　我装作无动于衷
直到所有的梦已破碎　
才看见你的眼泪和后悔
我是多想再给你机会　
多想问你究竟爱谁
既然爱　难分是非　
就别逃避　勇敢面对
给了他的心　你是否能够要得回
怎么忍心怪你犯了错　是我给你自由过了火
让你更寂寞　才会陷入感情漩涡
怎么忍心让你受折磨　
是我给你自由过了火
如果你想飞　伤痛我背

张信哲 - 过火

对你的思念
是一天又一天
孤单的我还是没有改变
美丽的梦何时才能出现
亲爱的你
好想再见你一面
秋天的风一阵阵的吹过
想起了去年的这个时候
你的心到底在想些什么
为什么留下这个结局让我承受
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
在我最需要你的时候
没有说一句话就走
最爱你的人是我
你怎么舍得我难过
对你付出了这么多
你却没有感动过

黄品源 - 你怎么舍得我难过

2009-10-07T15:13:00.003+08:00

Ahh. Why is it that there are so many songs which seem to describe how I feel?!?!

So many songs to say what I really want to say. So many songs to make the memory in my mind more and more vivid. Yet, somehow I can't seem to stop listening to them. In fact, I would like to find even more of them and listen as carefully to each and every word.

It's amazing how songs can be so true. Maybe songwriters' inspirations come from personal experiences. I would probably make a good songwriter now.

Haha. Maybe I should just copy a few lyrics from a few songs and jumble them into a potpurri. Maybe they will give me credit for that too?

My life isn't exactly a bed of roses now.

I am not happy at all.
Maybe as time passes, things will start to change?
Not too sure about that though.
Just wondering about some interesting things. I will keep them to myself though. Not exactly nice to post them out.

Oh well. Let me revert back to my old ways of keeping to myself. Maybe that's the best way to keep others around me happier and less worried? Mum's used to it anyway, and I don't usually talk to others about my problems. No one will find out.

This week has been unusually free, I hope Pro-term is like this all the way though I doubt so. It's so relaxed right now that it would be a waste to kill myself. Maybe I will wait till it gets busier, then killing myself would be more worth it. Lol.

Jas-nolonger-mine :(
Ahh. Don't know what to blog about anymore. Oh. I have a new roommate. He is a freaking commando la. Just joined us because he OOC-ed during his time at Delta due to a knee injury and is now recoursing with us. Quite different from my ex-buddy. We are in a different section though, still I will try to get to know him better.

Alrighty. Shall leave it to another time to blog.

2 sentences from Rainie's left a mark on me.

世界上最遠的距離在你面前卻不懂我的心
世界上最美的距離從我掌心到你掌心

And lastly, a nice, sweet song to listen to, though its quite an old song I presume.

今天晚上的星星很少　
不知道他们跑那去了赤裸裸的天空　
星星多寂寥我以为伤心可以很少　
我以为我能过得很好谁知道一想你　
思念苦无药　
无处可逃想念你的笑　
想念你的外套想念你白色袜子　
和你身上的味道我想念你的吻　
和手指淡淡烟草味道记忆中曾被爱的味道今天晚上的心事很少　
不知道这样算好不好赤裸裸的寂寞　
朝着心头绕

味道- 辛晓琪

2009-10-06T06:45:00.002+08:00

And so, everything has come to a conclusion.

I still am coming to terms with it. It's hard, but I'll cope I guess.

The end of a beautiful love story.

The start of a new friendship.

Things may be different, but in someways they will remain the same.

Should things remain status quo, you will still be my Comms Ball date.

A promise is a promise.

:)

2009-10-05T11:12:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday Bro. :)

And I have come to a realisation I guess.

I think I finally understand why you did what you did.

And I will learn to accept it, no matter how much it hurts.

Maybe it's time to let go.

Maybe it's time to move on.

Maybe.

Maybe.

I shouldn't be too selfish.

幸福不灭..... right?

2009-10-03T21:20:00.001+08:00

I think I lost my place.

Maybe there isn't even one for me in the first place.

I find it hard to accept.

Too hard. Too painful.

Maybe.

I am just wishing for too much.

2009-10-02T14:57:00.002+08:00

Who is right and who is wrong?

The grandma argues her case, and the grandpa fights for what he believes is right.

Who defines what is right? How do we know what is right and what is wrong?

Life isn't really like studying. There are no textbook answers, and hence, without answers, we can't really know what is right and what is wrong. Sure, there may be examples, role models, but there is no way we can completely emulate each and every characteristic and decision made simply because all of us are different.

Just like now.

You say you are wrong, undeserving. But that's only your own viewpoint. You believe what you are doing is right even though others may not think so.

I say I am the undeserving one. But you think you are the undeserving one. Who is right? How can 2 people be undeserving at the same time?

You want me to lead a happier life. I say I can't find a happier life. Who is right?

Ahh. The pains of growing and living. It's making me tired. I used to be afraid of death. Note: "Used to". Right now, it seems like an easy escape to a simpler world.

A world less complicated.
A world where I wouldn't be judged for what I do.
A world where I can lead a simple life.

Simple life.
What I have always wished for.
A wish that is never granted.

A complete family.
A true and everlasting love.
Just being happy.

Things are moving too fast for me to comprehend. I can't stop to catch my breath.
Too complicated for me.
Too traumatizing.
Too sudden.

In these short 6 months. Life has just about made a complete U-turn.
From happiness, to heart-breaking.
From Recruit, to future-leader.
From keep-in-the-bank, to financial consultant.

I really am tired.

And I really miss you.

只剩下钢琴陪我弹了一天
睡着的大提琴安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道你没有舍不得
你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开
你要我说多难堪我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份安静得没这么快
我会学着放弃你是因为我太爱你

安静- 周杰伦

Nonetheless, I will still be hoping.

2009-10-01T00:31:00.003+08:00

So, right now. Everything is in the open, laid bare for all to see.

Comments.
Digs.
Taunts.
Whatever.

I know I am right. And I will stand by you no matter what.

'Forget her. Get a new girlfriend!'
'Uni guy right. Must be.'

Sorry blokes. I can't do it. Forgive I can, forget I can't.

There are not many people in the world,
who

understand me.
can read my mind.
sweep me off my feet.
say I look nice. Lol.

Though it may very well be a lost cause I am fighting for, there is nonetheless a glimmer of hope, no matter how dim, that is worth fighting for.

Alright. I shouldn't be too emo. Time passes faster when you are emo. Nope. Thats not what I want right now.
Lets move on to happier things ba!
HIGHLIGHTS of Kelong Trip

1. I only succeeded in feeding the fishes while attempting to fish because whenever I pull the rod up, only the hooks are staring back at me.

2. I won at mahjong! AT LAST! Even though I wasn't playing with my usual 'better' group of friends, its still nice to win. ^^

3. I am not easily seasick even though the boat rocked like mad.

4. Sandstorms are painful, especially when the winds are really strong because the sand will pelt you.

5. Sea cucumbers, can emit whitish, sticky stuff. *ahem*

6. Never play a game called ' I Never' when you are drinking because you do not want others to know of your dirty little secrets.

7. I realise I have good friends. :)

So thats all about my 3 day 2 nights stay out at sea. Though there wasn't much to do, I had fun nonetheless. I still had many things on my mind, things I couldn't put down, things that I still needed to do, things I couldn't escape from. But I can't run away forever can I?

This trip just made me know how important some things really are to me.

Oh yeah.

I am saving for the future now. LOL.

For now, its every $80/month. So at the end of 25 years, at a projected interest rate of 3%, lets see how much I would have saved.

Thats about it I guess.

Quote of the day:

They say forgive and forget. But they never realise how easy it is to forgive but never easy to forget.

Oh
Why you look so sad
tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me, now
Don't
Be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side, too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
So
If you're mad, get mad
don't hold it all inside
come on and talk to me now
Hey
what you got to hide
I get angry too,
Well I'm alot like you
When you're standing
at the crossroads
And don't know which
path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you're wrong
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I\'ll never desert you
I'll stand by you.
And when
When the night falls on you baby
You're feelin' all alone
You won't be on your own
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you.

Stand by you - Girls Aloud

2009-09-26T02:01:00.002+08:00

Things are still not turning up for me. I guess this is it. I am officially in the worst period of my life. SO FAR.

Somehow, it seems scary to think of that.

Let me recount what happened today.

1) Played soccer with the dudes. Played super badly. I think I can no longer play soccer. Not that I was even good in the past. I just got even worse than last time.

2) Could have been the grand winner of the $9.7 million ToTo Night Draw. But it slipped my mind and I didn't manage to wager a little bet.

3) Slightly twisted my ankle when playing soccer. Shit. Now its a little swollen.

4) Found out that there are signs of a blister growing in my blister which explains why I can't walk normally.

5) I grew fatter after today's sumptuous seafood dinner. Even my cousin lamented that I looked a little plump. That is definitely not a good sign.

6) Can't find any mahjong kakis, which is the only pastime I have now other than using the computer.

7) Dropped and can't recover a token worth $0.50.

8) Still can't finish first for Daytona Expert despite numerous tries.

9) Played 4 DoTA matches. Won only one. Disappointing.

10) I can't think of any more to make it a perfect 10.

So there you have it. My life just gets from bad to worse to worst.

I think I need to visit a temple soon, to get rid of all the bad things surrounding me.
Superstition.
I always resort to this when all else fails..
Though it doesn't really seem to work.

Realised one more thing. But this time, I think I should keep it to myself.
Alright. Shan't blog so much nonsense.
Song of the Day!

Jason Mraz- You and I both

Was it you who spoke the words that
things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice
I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Oh But often times those words
get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Oh Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love,
the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered
numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words than I had
ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read out,
and if you can see me now
Oh love, love
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence
brings a moral story
More importantly evolving
is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have go away
Oh just remember the
telephone, well they are working in both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll
think the bells inside
Have finally found your
someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything
you sang

Cause you and I both
loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read
of and if you could see now
well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of, finally,
deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally,
finally, finally out of words.

Enjoy!