OH RELLY?!

Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 is coming to an end.

For many different reasons, its a year worth remembering yet not worth looking back on.

Too many regrets. Too many mistakes. Too many things lost.

Just this afternoon, JQ was telling me:

"Eh Darrel, this time go Taiwan don't lose any more equipment ah."

Without thought, I just replied:

"Can't help it, I am born to lose things."

As much as I wish to deny it, I can't seem to stop agreeing with what I said in that spur of the moment.
A moment of pure, untainted truth.

Throughout my schooling years, I lost countless amount of stationery.
I lost 2 loves when I believed they would last.
I lost equipement which people don't usually lose. ( I have a knack for losing the more important ones)
I lost my father. ( I often wonder what my life would be like If you were still here Daddy)
I seemed to have lost myself in the process of growing.

Had an interview with my instructor and I told him of my problems.
I told him I am suffering from a chronic lack of confidence.
Then he asked me:

"I thought last time you say you always talk-cock in class?"

I answered:

"Yeah, but somehow in the Army, it's different..."

And I couldn't continue.
I can't explain myself.

Then he told me something which I intend to put into my mind:

"The Army, or anything you go through, is not meant to change who you are. You will grow in the process but still as yourself."

Something along the lines of this.

Since Army, I haven't exactly been... me.
I no longer laugh as I used to.
I no longer crack lame and stupid jokes as I used to.
I am no longer as likeable.
I seem to care a lot about my image. (Not appearance, different thing)
For many months I have pledged to find my self, not knowing where it has seemed to recede to.
Convincing myself that someone else is occupying my body.

I would keep recalling the old days.
Hoping it would help me recapture some parts of that old spirit.
But if it had worked, I wouldn't be blogging this post now. Lol.

I also don't know when I started thinking so much about my own problems.
Ahhhh... Emo Emo Emo.

What a way to end 2009.

Oh well, let me occupy my mind with some other things.

RESOLUTIONS 2010

1. Being more cheerful! I think I lack some cheerfulness in my life.
2. Be back to my more talkative self.
3. Be more generous.
4. Go to class gatherings.
5. Smile more!
6. Be more helpful! Without second thoughts.
7. Be less angsty.

Alright! 7 resolutions. Keeping it simple is key to achieving your resolutions.
Lol.

Hopefully the new year will be a better year.
:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!

MAY ALL BE BLESSED WITH GOOD HEALTH AND WEALTH, EXCELLENCE IN STUDIES AND SMOOTH-SAILING IN WHATEVER THINGS YOU DO!

♥ 10:20 PM

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Confidence.

Noun 1 the belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.
Noun 2 self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s abilities.

I am suffering from a chronic lack of it.
I can't seem to do anything right nowadays.
Why is it that others are able to do such a good job whereas I can't?

Isn't there anything which I can do well?

Even I have doubts over my own abilities.
How can I expect others not to?
How can I instill confidence, when I, myself, am not confident?

I am afraid of doing things wrong and getting reprimanded/punished.
I am afraid of people laughing at me.
I am afraid of shame.
I am afraid of so many things.

Why can't i just brace myself up?
Where is my courage?
Where is my self-belief?

Oh well, I just have to keep searching for them.
I don't want anymore reminders that I am not yet who I can be.
Apparently, these people have some 'future' eyes which can see me in a different light from who I see myself to be.
Let me trust them this once.
Let me see for myself whether I can be 'the one' whom people believe I can be.

First stop: Confidence and the courage to make mistakes.

♥ 2:42 PM

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Another wave, another stab, another episode.

Ouch.

Can I take anymore of this?

Will my sanity remain intact?

Hopefully. Maybe. Unlikely.

Curiosity took the better of me.

I wonder what I should believe, and what I shouldn't.

Heart? Or mind?

Being me really is tough now.

Ouch.

Why did I reopen them?

Ouch.

Why did I slit myself?

Ouch. Ouch.

Why did I hurt myself? Fragile as hell.

Keep bleeding. That's my punishment, for refusal, for being stubborn, for naivety.

When will I learn?

When can I move on?

♥ 8:54 PM

Maybe it's only right.

Who am I to think/dictate what is right and what is not?

I lose many things, sometimes managing to recover them, sometimes losing them altogether.
Many of these things I never thought I would lose, thought I had them well-kept and secured.
Many of these things I didn't plan to lose.

And yet on the other hand, there are some things I want to lose but somehow I just can't seem to lose them.
Life is an irony isn't it?

Sometimes, it's easy being me.
Without a care in the world (for now at least)
Happy-go-lucky (wonder if that is used to describe me now though. At least it used to be)
Essentially, leading a simple, straight-forward life where everything seems to be falling into place.

Sometimes, at times like this, it's hell being me.
Provocative thoughts.
Needless emotional feelings.
Essentially, having many complications around you, shattering what you initially believed and where everything seems to be falling into pieces.

I like to assume and probably that is what brings me so many trouble.

Too shy to ask.
Too proud to lose.

But there are still some things that needs to remain unspoken.
I shall keep it within me.
Like a lid that can never be opened.
Like a door that closes and locks.

It doesn't really concern me right?
I am not part of it right?

Feigning ignorance.
Ignorance.
It's possibly my only/best way of escape.

But there are still so many questions ringing in my head. Why? Why? Why?
I thought....
You said....
We promised...
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

♥ 11:48 AM

Heart-wrenching.

That's all I can say.

I have no idea what I should be feeling, no idea how I should be feeling.

Clueless.
Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.
Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.
Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.
Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.Loss.

Maybe in life, there are always some things we are unable to comprehend. Sometimes, the deeper you dig, the less we understand.

Why did this happen?
How did it happen?
In our never ceasing search for answers, we overturned many stones, only to find more questions than answers, more doubts than confirmations.

And then we regret recovering these things from the past.

We try to close a chapter. Only to realise that another sequel has just began.
Some new characters, some new personalities, some new activities, but still the same old story.

It almost happened again.
Turns out there has been some self-delusion all along.

Correction. It didn't almost happen.
It happened,

Why.......?
Why can't I find the answers I need to close the lid?

Floating, drifting, swimming.
They serve to make me feel insignificant again.

I often wonder, if I died, how would my friends remember me as?
Or, would I even be remembered?
That I once walked into their lives?

Never mind. It's Boxing Day. I shouldn't be feeling like this at all.
Plus, I need some much-needed rest.

I need energy to feign ignorance.

♥ 1:41 AM

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Been listening to many songs these few days..

From Canto-pop to Mando-pop to English-Pop and J-Pop and Ballads.

And I realised I quite like Ayumi! LOL.

Didn't really listen to her songs before, so it was quite a refreshing change from Mikuni.

Anyway, was telling my friend that I was listening to J-Pop and Ayumi in particular,
he remarked:

'What?! You are listening to that porn singer?'

LOL!!!! I bet YOU are cursing every expletive you know now? xD

Well, some of Ayumi's music videos are a tad suggestive so I guess you can't really blame him. but rest assured I will protect her reputation. ^^

Hmm, listening to 梁静茹's latest album 静茹&情歌别再为他流泪 and her songs really are very nice. Been listening to them ever since. xD I can listen to songs on repeat for years and not get bored. LOL.

So here goes!

我心里也有的忐忑
时间跟我说会好的
决心放好了
这一次非你不可
ohh..
若这不是爱那有过的是什么
寂寞时你像个贝壳
闭上眼你倔强地捂住双耳
背对背地坐着我们用沉默在拉扯
看谁的泪先输掉拔河
爱我时你不够严格
总忘了能够牵手多么难得
我不怕生命有挫折不怕回忆会有皱折
唯有你说要放弃我不愿附和
你心里有多少忐忑
交给我去用力抱着
双手还有热或许能唤起你的不舍
有一天我们伤的心会愈合
心里的忐忑抱着慢慢就会好的
感动都有了还有什么不认可
oh..不准我们把爱给走成了坎坷
多少恋人不费唇舌
在一起却说服彼此不适合
我懂得生命有沼泽懂得爱会失去光泽
只是在你怀里是快乐的抉择
你心里有多少忐忑交给我去用力抱着
双手还有热或许能唤起你的不舍
有一天我们伤的心会愈合
心里的忐忑抱着慢慢就会好的
感动都有了还有什么不认可
oh..不准我们把爱给走成了坎坷
我心里也有的忐忑曾经你也勇敢抱着
思念还有歌唱着我无法对你割舍
相信我们哀伤的心会愈合
心里的忐忑时间跟我说会好的
决心放好了这一次非你不可
若这不是爱那有过的是什么

梁静茹 - 用力抱着

Song 2!

如果我说爱我没有如果
错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口那爱是不是有一点弱
如果我说爱我没有如果
真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么
快牵起我的手
有人说世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死
而是我就站在你面前你却不知道我爱你
我常说如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天
如果我说爱我没有如果
错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口那爱是不是有一点弱
如果我说爱没有如果
真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么
快牵起我的手
如果如果如果如果如果
最后变如果我们不能接受
错过错过错过错过错过
我们一定能过不会一错再错
我常说如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天
别怕太快了别怕失去我
如果我说爱我没有如果
错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口那爱是不是有一点弱
如果我说爱没有如果
真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么
快牵起我的手快牵起我的手。。。

梁静茹 - 没有如果

How about an English number?

I‘ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I‘ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on
I‘ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh
I‘ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's gotta be something for my soul somewhere
I‘ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if its real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation
All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

梁静茹 - Way Back Into Love

♥ 7:22 PM

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Woo hoo. Got one of the earliest bookouts ever! :D

And one of the latest book ins! ^^Y

How long have I not enjoyed such luxury?

I suppose this is one of the many pains I failed to understand in the past.

I used to think that:
1. NS is a piece of cake.
2. Didn't understand why people hated NS so much.
3. C'mon! Its just 2 years!
4. Training will be just like NCC training.

How naive I am.

2 years don't pass very fast.
I hate NS myself. Given a choice, I don't think I will serve NS.
Training is nothing like NCC training.

How nice it would be if I am a girl.
I think I am a girl hidden in a boy's body.
At least that's what my instructor thinks of me.

Actually, I actually thought of the benefits of being a girl during my internship. LOL. Yes. I was extremely bored.

So lets see:
1. Girls can gossip openly whereas guys would be frowned upon if they did that.
2. Girls can hold the hands of both genders without people staring.
3. USUALLY, girls are the one that gets attention showered upon.
4. Girls receive gifts from both girls and guys.
5. I can't emphasize this enough: Girls need not serve NS.

BUT, girls are easily sexually harassed. (Think Indian man in a suggestive pose *shudders*)
I hate to type this out but it's kinda like the truth: MOST guys like only good-looking girls. (I am no exception.) So, girls have to be good-looking/pleasing to the eye.
And this will kill me.

Girls have small appetites. =.= Food is so nice, I wonder why they are being avoided like the plague.

So, come to think about it, it's not so bad being a boy yeah?
In fact, I am happy being a boy.

Ahhhh. The world is spinning too fast.
I wish we can all just take a breather and admire the things around us.
Oh well, just some random thoughts.

Happiness. It's not something to wait for, it's something to fight for. :)
But as in all fights, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.
In any case, it is worth fighting for.

♥ 1:13 AM

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I AM FINALLY BACK FROM BRUNEI!!! *cheersss*

What a relief to finally step foot back into Singapore again after 3 whole weeks.

I almost wanted to strangle the instructor when he announced that there is going to be a slight delay in out return flight.

But then again, I think I was probably too shagged out to do anything about it. LOL.

So be prepared for a long long post, for this is dedicated to the whole of my overseas training!!

1.Reached Changi Airport just before midnight.

2. After getting boarding pass, no time for popeye's. Had to make do with Yakun, which was still has satisfying, though a little nostalgic. :)

3. 01:55. Took the dreaded flight to Brunei.

4. Reached Brunei airport at around 4am. All of us were lumbering around like zombies with half-asleep features. -.- <-- something like this

5. Took a 2 hour bus-ride and a 3 hour ferry-ride before finally reaching our training area in Temburong.

6. First day was awesome. Simply because it was admin day. NO TRAINING! Was introduced to all the camp instructors, all of which I give my utmost respect to, even more so than my own OCS instructors.

7. And for the next 5 days, it was truly hell even though I had enjoyed some parts of it. Infantry training began. Thats all I wanna elaborate. LOL. xD ANYWAY, I TOOK A HELICOPTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. WHAT AN EXPERIENCE. WHOA. :D

8. Preparation for JCC. There was this mad rush for equipment at the last minute and everyone was just screaming at one another. What a ruckus.

9. After 9 grueling days, I DID IT!! Being the emotionally weak me, I couldn't help but cried at the end. Oh well, I just felt this huge wave of relief sweep over me and tried as I might, I couldn't stop them from coming. I had a fruit-fest along the way, devouring 213423123124217 chempedaks, durians, rambutans and balukus. I am kinda sick of them now. xD

10. I was full of charity and donated about 10 litres of blood to the hungry and deprived mosquitoes there, who were desperate enough to bite through my uniform

11. Food, no matter of what origin, taste exceptionally well when you are starving. I think even Chee Kuey in milk will taste heavenly. xD

12. I had more cuts sustained ion 2 days and 2 nights than I ever had in my 19 years of life.

AND SO, that kinda sums up my time in Brunei! For the training phase, that is. :) :) Times there were no doubt tough, I managed to squeeze in some 'thinking time', especially when I am feeling especially bored. So, here are some random points.

Random:

1. One night, we just shared our usual banter and then someone just mentioned: 'We thought primary school was dreadful, then we hoped to quickly go to secondary school, only to find primary school less stressful. In secondary school, we found studying a chore and hoped to go to JC where there would be more freedom, only to find secondary schooling so much more fun. In JC, we hoped to go to Army so we can no longer need to study for exams, only to realise we very much prefer studying to training.' That's how people are. Failing to appreciate the simple things around them. Failing to look on the greener side. It is only when we move on, will we then look back at things at a different perspective and reflect on what COULD have been done. But by then, its all too late. All we can have is envy. As I always say, Regret is insight gained a moment too late. I have too many of them. Too much.

2. I truly truly do not understand why people overestimate my abilities. Why do people think I am smart when I am not? Why do people have high expectations of me? I fall in the 'Normal' category. I am an average person. Average looks. Average results. Average skills. Average everything. I can't stand it when people believe something I am not. I am no fast-learner. I am no smart person. I don't require this added pressure on my small shoulders..... Please drop these weight off my back.

3. It really does look greener and clearer after a rain.

4. Found myself singing Avril Lavinge's 'When you're gone' in the middle of JCC.

5. Think about what you say, and say about what you think! COOL HUH? xD

6. There are 2 ways of learning. Success and failure.

7. Reserved this part for Point No. 7. My favourite number. Memories are intriguing aren't they? At the moment you least expect it, it just suddenly forms a bubble in your mind and an image starts to form. Some things are just meant not to be forgotten. I still remember the first time we ate Popeye's. Last time we ate Ya Kun. Times we shared. Times we squabbled. Times when we chatted on the phone through the night. Many many memories. I shall admit it, I still think alot about you. I won't hide it. Only difference between now and the past, is that I don't cry thinking about them anymore. :) Anyway, I had Swensen's in Brunei. LOL! I am now a step ahead of you. xD

And to end it all of, some quotes from a fantastic read 'The 5 people you meet in Heaven'

Lesson 1: Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know - Blue Man

Lesson 2: Sacrifice. It's not something to regret. It's something to aspire to - Captain

Lesson 3: Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us but hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves - Ruby

Lesson 4: Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end, love doesn't - Marguerite

Lesson 5: Every seemingly insignificant act, can affect others a great deal, positively or negatively. (That's what I think its trying to convey)

Yup yup. This book is really inspiring, looking forward to 'Tuesdays with Morrie'. Heard there is a movie publication too. Muahaha. Shall go and find it.

And so, let me end with an anonymous quote:

True love can never be found at where it doesn't exist, nor can be it hidden when it truly does.

♥ 3:45 PM